dutch rap is my guilty pleasure..

Dear Europe,

You are not far from my thoughts.
I will come.

Best,
Masha.

My mother got some bootlegged Rosetta Stone that offers every language. French, Dutch..you first. Then German, Spanish, Italian, etc. I am excited.

Spring Break came and went. It started amazing...sleep overs and breakfast and then Boston. Christine and I drove up and stayed in Cambridge. After settling into the Hotel (which was an awesome pick on my part) we drove around and got very lost and finally dropped the car off. Ended up walking to the restaurant (it's easier to find parking in Manhattan, I swear) which closes at 10! I felt like I was in the country. I'm used to having everything accessible 24/7! NYC spoils its residents, really... The air in Cambridge is ripe with pretentiousness and academia. Harvard Square is really nice, I'd love to have spent more time there. MIT is absolutely out of this world. Jealous..very jealous. The fencing was ight too. I made friends ;) I spent most of the break at Christine's house in Jersey being a lazy vegetable between work. That was also the first weekend I stayed in which was a good idea on my part. Going out all the time stinks.

Life is really amazing. I've hit a few short stops lately with the relationship between my mom and me but it's nothing new and it's definitely not as bad as it can get. Square peg, round hole.
My life basically consists of work, school, Kamil, and Christine. Other people come into the mix here and there and I enjoy their company as short or long lived as it happens to be. I miss Sam. She's changed so much. I have my theories as to how. It hurts though. It seems like ever since she went to New Paltz and has started dating Kevin she barely tries to stay in contact. How hard is it to jot down a quick e-mail via facebook? Texts, okay my phone broke but it still answers calls. I'm not picking this fight right now but dusting off the cold shoulder isn't hard to do.

Seeing as how it's spring everyone's "falling in love". A few catch my eye here and there but sex and hasty hook ups are not it for me and that seems to be all anyone wants these days. The few I'm intrigued by are...unattainable at best. One of them is in a universe completely separate from mine, the other is actually just fun to observe and the third has a dog of a side kick who wants to sleep with me (whatever happened to wingmen?) All three strike a deep interest in me. Just to know how their mind works, how they see America and how their country raised them to think... Fucking Europeans...

My mental health is at its peak. Everyone has lows but compared to how I used to be my lows are just...dents. I cannot wait for this summer. Hopefully it is like last year's...two jobs and beach every day I don't work. That is the life.
My dents are just that I feel like I am not enough for people. Especially when it comes to dating. There's always someone prettier and wittier and whateverhaveyou out there. I'm quiet and weird and kind of creepy sometimes. I find myself asking my friends how they end up staying around me when I'm not this and not that. It's not that I don't have self esteem or anything..that's not the case. I just know that there's always something better out there and I don't see why people should settle. It sucks seeing someone's potential.

Life is all perception to me. I've morphed mine into what works best and I'm riding this baby till I have to switch it up. I look towards the good things in life. Like the amazing nap I took this morning in my car instead of going to class (damn flu)...sun beating down...golden warmth and good tunes on the stereo. I don't try to control things. I'm not afraid of talking to people anymore, I'm myself around strangers more and more.

I am pleased. That is the best word to describe it. Not enamoured or unhappy or anyhing else. I am pleased. More changes can happen for the better in a lot of aspects but they're not as worst as they could be and I'll get by even if they take that downhill turn. But for now, everything has its place in the world...

Let go

Dear Life,

I can't control you.
I give up.

Throw at me what you have.
Even if I'm not ready.

Love,
Masha.

И я на память оставлю свои сигареты...

I am without defense. I am confused and lost. I blame fatigue for this. I have trained myself to ignore certain thoughts, to disconnect myself from past events and the emotions they stir up. Fatigue strips me of all filters and all conscious and sub-conscious defense mechanisms. It brings out the darkest inside me. But I'm not depressed. I'm in limbo.

It's not a question of staying positive. Answers are what I need. I can't help but dissect everything and everyone around me, even myself.

I'm not searching for any kind of enlightenment. I am searching for independence. I take pride in myself being indestructible, my lack of certain weaknesses. I'd rather spend my life in solitude than to give into what others ask of me. The problem arises when I cannot unscramble my thoughts and emotions.

I've had a surreal weekend. It was something out of a dream or a movie or a book. Anything except something out of my life. I wouldn't call it a downward spiral...that is too negative. I've accepted the events that have happened and have had some great laughs about it with my parents, who I adore more and more because they are accepting me for who I am and are finally becoming the support that I need. What I cannot accept are certain actions that I partook in. It was unlike me and I would like to believe that I had the ability to stop it in its tracks but I can’t ever know. I was completely taken aback. A slap in the face. What else was I to do but go along with it? I wanted to see how it panned out. I wanted to see how much I can take. I shocked myself. To walk away immediately unscathed. To go with life instead of controlling every moment. To sit on the edge of a cliff and dangle my feet, dangle my feet and tease the air below me. The fall would have brought me completely to my knees and crushed what I worked hard to build. It was tempting.

What I am afraid of is that part of me inside that I try to kill; that free, careless, and mischievous rebel inside me that I have suppressed when my father got sick. I set my priorities and followed through. I put work ahead of school out of desperation and have since re-assessed what is important to me right now: family, school, certain individuals, and work.

Family…my parents are amazing people, as is my brother. We are not openly physically affectionate but there are certain moments when I feel completely one with them. My mother has accepted that she cannot control me and has learned to trust my decisions and my morals. She always had a way to tell what happened without me having to go into detail and I appreciate her not poking around too much in my business, especially something as humiliating to me as this weekend was. My father has always been my spine. As annoying as he can get, I love him. Our quiet understanding is unmatched. He is there for me every chance I need him. I used to feel so hurt because they didn’t support my fencing and I still get upset when they disapprove of certain things in my life. At the end of the day, we are all the other has and there is a bittersweet, quiet, and steady flame that burns within our hearts and our house…our love for each other.

I do not know what to expect out of people. I am ashamed and afraid to admit that I don’t know my own strength, positive and negative. I am bipolar in that I feel everything emotion to the fullest. This is my blessing, my curse.

Anxiety has overwhelmed me and fatigue has brought out my inner most secrets. I walk around fully vulnerable to the world, naked in every sense but physical. My anorexic tendencies have returned. But I persevere. I like to throw things over the cliff and watch them tumble down. I like to suffer, to feel this flood. Not out of masochism. Possibly out of a need to feel alive through some way. I’m aggressive. I’m passionate. I’m loyal. I’m flawed. Seeing both sides of the argument is not a great way to stay sane.

I feel the acids in stomach turning. I’ve got what, 11..12 days without eating a single bite of food? I’ve almost hospitalized myself; almost sent myself into a disabled state before I was even 16. This is nothing.

But still, the feeling lingers.

There’s a championship game of ping-pong going on in my heart.

I am going to explode

There has to be more to life. I refuse to believe this it.

I have so much bottled up that I want to offer. I don't know how to express even half of what's going on in the noggin'.

I feel like if I fully projected who I am on to the world I would be left alone. Those who tell the truth are either dead or as good as. Outcasts, drunks, junkies, corpses, etc.

I need the Sjonnie to my Anita. I need someone I can throw everything at and will do the same for me. I need my compliment. I need a man who will challenge me as I challenge him. I want to love a man in every single way possible and create more ways to love and have that reciprocated. No one has balls. They run away scared.

People always run away scared. No one wants to deal with the real world. No one wants to deal with anything. They want everything spoon fed. Grow up.

I am aggressive. I am intimidating. I want to see what you have. All of you. I want to see what you have to offer.. I'm disappointed in humans. Disconnect yrselves from yr egos every once in a while, you never know what you'll find.

Ego. I try to keep mine small. I hate coming off as arrogant. If I ever do it's probably unintentional. As aggressive and intimidating as I may be at first, once yr in you get to know me. I'm quiet and I do keep to myself. I love the people in my life. Everyone has flaws and tempers rise but through it all, I love every single one of them.

Still. I feel an itch inside of me. I want to explode. I want to scatter every single thought and feeling inside of me all over the place. I can't make sense of half of what I think of or feel.

Instead, I will push everything down. I'll continue keeping to myself. If I feel a strong urge to express myself to someone I will. I've been slipping up. I need to keep this under control. I don't know what else to do.

Refer to the poem "Bluebird" by Charles Bukowski.

We are as one and one is all we are...

A friend of mine was my "shadow" today at school, meaning she followed me to my classes. We went to Christine's fencing practice and I sat in a corner trying not to disturb the practice or anyone there but eventually ended up talking to one of the coaches, Misha. Masha (my "shadow") let him know that I fence and he kept asking why I haven't joined the team and how I should join next year. I explained my situation to him and he went on to tell me that I need to focus more on school and not working or going out. I was able to relate to him. In a room full of people my age I end up feeling most comfortable with the oldest person in the room. It was like talking to one of my parent's friends. I also met this kid who's in legal studies and offered him an internship position at the OAG. Hopefully he will get it, we could use more volunteers because cases keep rolling in.

I started to feel down about not being able to fence. I feel like I've closed that chapter in my life. It's something I did in high school. I'd have loved to continue on in college and actually get a real coach instead of doing bullshit PSAL practices. But it's over. After my father's stroke I fought with my mom to let me fence during my senior year, had the shittiest ending I can ever ask for and hung up my foil. The ride home from the Championships I cried my eyes out because the ending was the worst I can ever ask for. Half the team gave up or never even cared and that reality sunk in. What also sunk in was that I'll never fence competetively again and that kept the tears going. I let it out. Now it's easy to ignore, until I'm around people who encourage me to do it and want me to fence or I'm at a major competition. It's that fencing bug...it's always somewhere under my skin. But I have other responsibilites.

Masha said I never do anything for myself. How I always put other's needs before me. That really pissed me off. My family's needs are my needs. Fencing will last me past college ONLY if I make the national team and fence in the Olympics. This internship, this crazy schedule...Maybe it is the rest of my life. Hopefully I will be earning enough income to compensate for that so I will be able to take 2 weeks off and fly off to some foreign country and disconnect myself from the world.

Recharging. That's all I need. That's my time to myself. I stay in a few nights and do whatever the hell I please. My mom's understood this by now and my dad has always understood. She doesn't bug me to do chores. She finally understands that I am trying. I need to disconnect myself from people, from responsibilities - from the world.

My life is not a portrait of perfection. If I were to focus on all the negativity in it, I would be six feet under or a drug addict/prostitute. I've gone through depression and all that bullshit. I was depressed for the majority of my childhood. I've learned to not ignore the negatives. They do, afterall, humble me and remind me to look on the bright side. Instead of ignoring them, I agknowledge their presence in my life and this world and leave it at that. I don't dwell on it. Not anymore. I do have downer days, sure...but that's when I need to recharge again.

On a completely different note, today I did a Vic with Kamil in my car and I was laying there smoking a ciggarette talking about people and how they project an image of themselves onto people that does not reflect who they really are, and I started thinking about it. One thought led to another and I started realizing how everything is so great and so fun when it's new. It's exciting, it's spontaneous, yr kept on the edge of yr seat, etc. But when it looses its luster, who sticks around? I look at Kamil who used to open doors for me and be all courteous and nice when we first started hanging out to how he is now. We flick boogers at each other and chill for hours in my car without having the need to say something but saying it when we want to. That luster of "oh he's new in my life" is gone but in its place has settled a comfort and a certain degree of love. We grew close fast and I love hanging out with him and I'm really happy that I have him in my life as a friend.
I meet so many people left and right and don't really give them a second thought. Some stick out and I wish I could forget them. Others are fake. I see my own close friends being fake. Let me tell you, ignorance is bliss. There's nothing more hurtful than seeing a someone you've known for years still put on a front and start projecting a false image onto you. Especially after you assure them time and time again that they don't need to do that. Why? If you let your guard down with me completely in the past, why all of the sudden are you throwing out at me this mask? Do you think I'm stupid? People are transparent. I hardly say even a fraction of things I observe in people and the gut feelings I get. If I can see through a stranger, what makes anyone think that I can't see through them when they are being fake when I've known them for years??

I just don't understand all these social games. I don't understand the need for games at all. This is another thing that outcasts me from society. Games and my disgust for them. I'm learning how to play though. If it allows me to escape situations unscathed then so be it.

For some reason I just thought back to a certain day in Ocean City. I had substituted working out for a pack of ciggarettes a day for about a year and half. I had just stopped smoking like 2 or 3 days prior. I ran about 5 miles in 40 minutes without a break and at a constant speed. Walked a mile to warm up and then just started running and didn't stop. I'd like to do that now...

This will all seem like gibberish to me tomorrow morning. Oh well.

"Why else keep a journal, if not to examine your own filth?" -Anne Sexton.

"Poetry and painting are done in the same way you make love; it's an exchange of blood, a total embrace—without caution, without any thought of protecting yourself."
—Joan Miro, interview, Cahiers D'Art, 1936

Re-reading my old blogs online helped me see how much I've lived through. I've decided to continue trying to jot down my thoughts as they are now. I remember Adrianna and I would start blogs to keep in touch. We write about our days and read the other's entries. That was the easiest way for me to feel close to her.

Re-reading all that I wrote I saw who I used to be. One day I'll look upon this and think how childish it all seemed. I am terrible at expressing myself. I'm lost somewhere between languages and words. I try not to dwell on this too much.

To each person their problems seem to be the worst. My mom would say this to me all the time. Aspects of my life may seem terrible to some but to me they are my life. Aspects of others' lives may seem difficult for me but to those persons, it is okay.

All I am sure of right now is that I am on the brink of something. I was always extremely cautious and quiet. I never took chances. I kept to myself. Lived in my own mind. Surreality was my reality. What everyone saw day to day I paid little attention to. I'd watch and watch and watch for hours as people go in and out. I still do. I take chances now though. I'm more fearless. I realized that I have nothing to loose. I feel like a referee at a tennis match. Vysoko sizhu, daleko glizhu. I sit and observe. Now I find I'm participating and observing. I move stuff around and watch what happens. I push people's buttons and watch what happens.
I am experimenting. I'm bored. I refuse to believe this is all life has to offer. I want to love and at times I feel filled with it but other times, such as these past two days I feel anger. I want to start trouble. I want to instigate and sit back and watch the world burn. People are so cruel. Society is an engorged dick. It fucks you to death. Good thing I'm an outcast.

And pain? I'm too numb for it. I've been hurt so much that at this point any more pain in my life will leave me unfazed. When people try to hurt me all I can think is "is that all you got?"

This outlook on pain has been crawling over into other aspects of my life. I'm always asking "is this it? Is this the best/worst you can throw at me?"

I think myself to be indestructibile. I am. Whether I am at my best or at my worst, I am indestructible. I long for a connection to people. I have good people in my life. Great people that I can discuss life with for hours. Is it enough? I need someone on my wave length. Someone with courage who throws themselves into situations with the same carelessness and caution as I do. Where is my equal? Where is my opponent? Society as a whole? HA. Society is a joke.

I'm sick of people walking around flaunting their shit when it stinks. I'm so angry. Last week I was all love, all happiness. I hoped I can meet someone who will equate it. I have both an immense amount of love as well as an immense amount of hate.

I am a complete contradiction. I want to help people and hurt them. I love society but at the same time I see it as a speck of dust that I cannot remove from my favorite plastic flower no matter how hard I try.

I'll find happiness. I'll find love. I'll find contentment. I'll die trying.