Bottle up and explode.

A re-evaluation is called for. I need to get my shit together. Letting go of control isn't for me. I need to get my finances in order, get set up for next semester in terms of loans, and then start with this job hunting and get rid of my debt.

I hate being tied down by money. This is the most retarded thing in existence. Every single being on earth besides humans gets by fine without money. My mother's brain washing is kicking in. I've been trying to fight it. Winning the battle but loosing the war, maybe?

I feel like I've been riding some train and fell asleep, waking up after missing my stop in a foreign place. I'm living a life that belongs to someone else. I kind of gave up controlling things but it hit me earlier today how I am so different.

I need to sort out my thoughts. All I want to do though is just have everything work out. I'm so tired of stressing over everything. I just want to be happy.

I think this is all just things I've bottled up because I was trying to live life in a new way and now it's sort of crumbling. I need to do this. Live and learn. The entire point of this blog or any other form of a blog I've kept is to document my regression and progression through life.

Maybe I just need a cigarette but I've gone a whole day without having one and I want to stop. Shit's too expensive.

I need to be pure. I need to be strong, happy, successful. I need to be fit, physically amiable. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. I need to become more tolerant, patient, and confident. I need to not doubt. I need to trust and have some faith.

I need to figure out what the fuck is going on in my life and get behind the steering wheel again.

-Masha.