A re-evaluation is called for. I need to get my shit together. Letting go of control isn't for me. I need to get my finances in order, get set up for next semester in terms of loans, and then start with this job hunting and get rid of my debt.
I hate being tied down by money. This is the most retarded thing in existence. Every single being on earth besides humans gets by fine without money. My mother's brain washing is kicking in. I've been trying to fight it. Winning the battle but loosing the war, maybe?
I feel like I've been riding some train and fell asleep, waking up after missing my stop in a foreign place. I'm living a life that belongs to someone else. I kind of gave up controlling things but it hit me earlier today how I am so different.
I need to sort out my thoughts. All I want to do though is just have everything work out. I'm so tired of stressing over everything. I just want to be happy.
I think this is all just things I've bottled up because I was trying to live life in a new way and now it's sort of crumbling. I need to do this. Live and learn. The entire point of this blog or any other form of a blog I've kept is to document my regression and progression through life.
Maybe I just need a cigarette but I've gone a whole day without having one and I want to stop. Shit's too expensive.
I need to be pure. I need to be strong, happy, successful. I need to be fit, physically amiable. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. I need to become more tolerant, patient, and confident. I need to not doubt. I need to trust and have some faith.
I need to figure out what the fuck is going on in my life and get behind the steering wheel again.
-Masha.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Progression?
I received a notice in the mail to see one of the Deans. I sat down and she told me that if I take one summer course and 6 classes for the next 3 semesters I finish a semester early. Or I can take 4 classes this summer and 6 classes next year and finish a year early.
Instead I'm deciding to take on a French minor, since it's exactly the amount of classes I have room for and will graduate as planned, May 2011.
My GPA isn't much to brag about but I do have decent work experience, if this internship ends up amounting to anything. At least I'll graduate with a Bachelor's in Finance with a French minor. I might end up being able to get a job for a French investment firm and head on over there like I'd always dreamed.
It's funny because I turned 20 earlier this week and I feel like I truly need to start focusing on my future and making plans. I'm not a free spirit; I'm very grounded. It feels good to finally see something work out.
Ever since I met Mat my perspective has changed. Like there is hope. There are people out there who appreciate the same things as me and share the same values. Maybe that was enough to give me the closure I was seeking. It's one thing to have friends. I can always rely on a few select people in my life and although it may seem like I do not always let them in, I do and I would kill for them. To have someone who sits there and says to me "I'm madly in love with you" is like a shock. It has been a fairy tale.
I don't want to say that he's the reason why things have been looking up. I don't want to be left helpless when he's gone. Watching my own back here. But it does feel comforting. It feels right. This is how it's supposed to be. Every time I look at him I feel deep inside that this is the way things should be. I got that same feeling when I found out that I will be able to go through with a French minor.
I need to get my shit together. I need to work out some issues as to what I'm willing to do to get ahead in life. I don't want to step on people or use them or hurt them. At the same time though, I hurt people very easily because what is not hurtful to me is hurtful to others and I don't always see that.
I let the steering wheel go and have followed this road. I like where it's taken me so far. I want to control in which direction it goes but I realize now that I can't always be stressing out and controlling everything like I used to. It's not use stressing over it. I work myself into a fit. I put myself into this бочка and sit there.. It's like I stepped in shit and instead of wiping it off and continuing on I sit there and roll in it.
Fuck it.
Chaos can be beneficial. What else do you have out there for me?
I want to suffer. I want to work through difficult times. I don't expect life to always be as great as it is now. I appreciate how it is now but I'm prepared for the difficulties. I won't force them but when they come up I will not back down.
What else you got? Throw it at me. I want to grow and mature and be stronger. Bring it.
Instead I'm deciding to take on a French minor, since it's exactly the amount of classes I have room for and will graduate as planned, May 2011.
My GPA isn't much to brag about but I do have decent work experience, if this internship ends up amounting to anything. At least I'll graduate with a Bachelor's in Finance with a French minor. I might end up being able to get a job for a French investment firm and head on over there like I'd always dreamed.
It's funny because I turned 20 earlier this week and I feel like I truly need to start focusing on my future and making plans. I'm not a free spirit; I'm very grounded. It feels good to finally see something work out.
Ever since I met Mat my perspective has changed. Like there is hope. There are people out there who appreciate the same things as me and share the same values. Maybe that was enough to give me the closure I was seeking. It's one thing to have friends. I can always rely on a few select people in my life and although it may seem like I do not always let them in, I do and I would kill for them. To have someone who sits there and says to me "I'm madly in love with you" is like a shock. It has been a fairy tale.
I don't want to say that he's the reason why things have been looking up. I don't want to be left helpless when he's gone. Watching my own back here. But it does feel comforting. It feels right. This is how it's supposed to be. Every time I look at him I feel deep inside that this is the way things should be. I got that same feeling when I found out that I will be able to go through with a French minor.
I need to get my shit together. I need to work out some issues as to what I'm willing to do to get ahead in life. I don't want to step on people or use them or hurt them. At the same time though, I hurt people very easily because what is not hurtful to me is hurtful to others and I don't always see that.
I let the steering wheel go and have followed this road. I like where it's taken me so far. I want to control in which direction it goes but I realize now that I can't always be stressing out and controlling everything like I used to. It's not use stressing over it. I work myself into a fit. I put myself into this бочка and sit there.. It's like I stepped in shit and instead of wiping it off and continuing on I sit there and roll in it.
Fuck it.
Chaos can be beneficial. What else do you have out there for me?
I want to suffer. I want to work through difficult times. I don't expect life to always be as great as it is now. I appreciate how it is now but I'm prepared for the difficulties. I won't force them but when they come up I will not back down.
What else you got? Throw it at me. I want to grow and mature and be stronger. Bring it.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Mat...
Royksopp - 'Only This Moment'
Only this moment (Holds us together)
Close to perfection (Nothing is out there)
No one to guide us (Lost in the senses)
Deep down inside I know our love will die
Only this moment (Holds us together)
Lost in confusion (Feelings are out there)
Scared of the ocean (Doubting intentions)
Deep down inside I know our love will die
Stay or forever go
Play or you’ll never know
We haven’t decided
You can’t deny it’s all you’ve been waiting for
Stay or forever go
Play or you’ll never know
Your spirit’s divided
You will decide if I’m all you’ve been waiting for
Got in my head
Have Been part of my twist
By the force of the nature
Revealing our fates
And our words don’t make sense and I do understand,
Falling in love isn’t part of our plan
Forces within me, makes reason with lust
But I try to accept it and not think it works
Because I know I might lose you by taking the chance
But love without pain isn’t really romance
Only this moment (Holds us together)
Close to perfection (Nothing is out there
Always beside us (Trusting my senses)
Deep down inside (I know I will survive)
Only this moment (Holds us together)
Close to perfection (Nothing else out there)
Always beside us (Trusting my senses)
Deep down inside I know I will survive
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Polacks taking over my life...
First there was Adrianna...who I'm still friends with to this day.
Then there was Kamil...who is basically my brother.
Then there's Tomek...who doesn't need an explanation.
Now...Mateusz.
Our date was set up for Saturday. I invited him out to my fav. bar with friends on Friday for happy hour. Happy Hour came and went and Criff Dogs was consumed and I found myself cuddling with him in Union Square Park on some random bench from 9pm until 3am. Refusing to let me go home alone, he came with me to the ferry and waited until it came and continued talking to me via texts until I came home and fell asleep. We talked about everything. To sit there for 6 hours and talk to a person non-stop is pretty mircaulous for me because I enjoy sharing silence with others.
Saturday was the best date I could have imagined.. I met him in the Financial District for dinner on Stone St. and Pearl St... a cobblestoned street filled with restauraunt next to restaurant on both sides and tables on the street in front of the eateries... Feeding each other a bite from what we ordered. Then off to Chinatown for bubble tea mmm :9 Train up to Columbus Circle and walking around Central Park trying to find some lake he remembers but ending up sitting down by a different lake and continuing on going conversation. After night fell we decided to walk downtown to find a place where we can sit and talk without worrying about shouting over music or people trying to get wasted and escape their pathetic lives. Ended up going to see Watchmen in Times Sq (worst movie ever!). Again, he walked me to the ferry and waited with me until it came. Got home 3am. Progress? :p
Sunday I went to the Auto Show with Angelo. You could see the recession hitting. Not as many booths/attractions/cars...Maserati was no where in sight, for example. I found myself turning around expecting him to be there so I could grab his hand or hug him. He wasn't there.
Monday after work we meet up to get dinner and end up sitting in Starbucks for hours talking. Over dinner he presented me a small gift that has turned out to be one of the most useful things in my car. A dual Blackberry/iPod charger. Something he mentioned in passing and I knew I should get around to buying. To have someone go out of their way to be thoughtful like that meant more to me than anything else. In Starbucks he and I sat next to each other and poured out our hearts a bit while everyone was running outside trying to get out of the pouring rain. It was very surreal and I had to catch myself a few times.
With him I can't read my emotion. I guess I'm too busy soaking him in and being dumbfounded by his clear blue eyes and the feel of his soft skin at my fingertips. When he's away all I want is to have him back. Us being together feels natural and effortless and unforced. He is what I've been looking for. What all these others tried to be. We are disgustingly affectionate and romantic with each other and I savour every moment of it. I love being able to say the cheesiest most romantic thing to someone who welcomes it and is able to reciprocate that.
I let go of the steering wheel. I am letting things flow and a current has picked me up and I have no desire to fight it. I want to strengthen it and see how far it takes me and what I find and learn.
Mat makes me ridiculously happy. All he has to do is put his arm around me and instantly I melt. I never want to leave his embrace. I look at him sometimes and freeze because I cannot believe that this handsome, sweet guy is mine. His kisses make me dizzy and make me want more of him and I have to have it.
I am incredibly happy.
Then there was Kamil...who is basically my brother.
Then there's Tomek...who doesn't need an explanation.
Now...Mateusz.
Our date was set up for Saturday. I invited him out to my fav. bar with friends on Friday for happy hour. Happy Hour came and went and Criff Dogs was consumed and I found myself cuddling with him in Union Square Park on some random bench from 9pm until 3am. Refusing to let me go home alone, he came with me to the ferry and waited until it came and continued talking to me via texts until I came home and fell asleep. We talked about everything. To sit there for 6 hours and talk to a person non-stop is pretty mircaulous for me because I enjoy sharing silence with others.
Saturday was the best date I could have imagined.. I met him in the Financial District for dinner on Stone St. and Pearl St... a cobblestoned street filled with restauraunt next to restaurant on both sides and tables on the street in front of the eateries... Feeding each other a bite from what we ordered. Then off to Chinatown for bubble tea mmm :9 Train up to Columbus Circle and walking around Central Park trying to find some lake he remembers but ending up sitting down by a different lake and continuing on going conversation. After night fell we decided to walk downtown to find a place where we can sit and talk without worrying about shouting over music or people trying to get wasted and escape their pathetic lives. Ended up going to see Watchmen in Times Sq (worst movie ever!). Again, he walked me to the ferry and waited with me until it came. Got home 3am. Progress? :p
Sunday I went to the Auto Show with Angelo. You could see the recession hitting. Not as many booths/attractions/cars...Maserati was no where in sight, for example. I found myself turning around expecting him to be there so I could grab his hand or hug him. He wasn't there.
Monday after work we meet up to get dinner and end up sitting in Starbucks for hours talking. Over dinner he presented me a small gift that has turned out to be one of the most useful things in my car. A dual Blackberry/iPod charger. Something he mentioned in passing and I knew I should get around to buying. To have someone go out of their way to be thoughtful like that meant more to me than anything else. In Starbucks he and I sat next to each other and poured out our hearts a bit while everyone was running outside trying to get out of the pouring rain. It was very surreal and I had to catch myself a few times.
With him I can't read my emotion. I guess I'm too busy soaking him in and being dumbfounded by his clear blue eyes and the feel of his soft skin at my fingertips. When he's away all I want is to have him back. Us being together feels natural and effortless and unforced. He is what I've been looking for. What all these others tried to be. We are disgustingly affectionate and romantic with each other and I savour every moment of it. I love being able to say the cheesiest most romantic thing to someone who welcomes it and is able to reciprocate that.
I let go of the steering wheel. I am letting things flow and a current has picked me up and I have no desire to fight it. I want to strengthen it and see how far it takes me and what I find and learn.
Mat makes me ridiculously happy. All he has to do is put his arm around me and instantly I melt. I never want to leave his embrace. I look at him sometimes and freeze because I cannot believe that this handsome, sweet guy is mine. His kisses make me dizzy and make me want more of him and I have to have it.
I am incredibly happy.
Monday, April 13, 2009
huh...
What a whirlwind.
It's so hard to keep my ego down when I'm getting so much attention. I've always gotten attention from the opposite sex but it was always from people I had no interest in (like 40+ year old men). ...Now it's people my age. I don't know how to handle all of it. I don't know where I've gotten the sudden burst of confidence to try to make things happen with Red. It was innocent tutoring, whatever. I went to MFC with Chris before going to the concert and sat through her practice and Red was there as well. According to Chris he warmed up and fenced by me instead of by the mirror, which is where someone can find his conceited ass. After the concert we stayed at Webster Hall to dance in the club and got good treatment because of a friend of a friend of a friend...whatever. Zoila has tried in the past to hook Mat and I up but he got a girlfriend and we didn't talk much anyway...it was all internet bullshit. He was there on Friday and I guess he took a liking to me because he wouldn't let me out of his site the entire night and now I have a date next weekend.
Yeah I'm young and single and all this crap but I take it one at a time. Putting emotions aside, Red is going back to Spain and Euro is confused as hell by me so it's logical to give Mat a chance. Which is why I'm trying to.
What scares me is that I don't have a great track record with relationships. I always find it easier to keep people at some distance. I like my space and I haven't ever met anyone where I find myself often wanting to be with them. Physical closeness scares me. I've no problem with emotions and all that...to me that is easy. But to allow someone to be able to put their hands on me whenever they want to...as much as I'd like that I often find that I guard myself from that. I also don't want either of us to get hurt. Red and Euro are so easy to keep at a distance and (I feel terrible saying this) toy with.
I'm giving up control in some areas of my life and I need to work on letting it spill over into more areas...such as dating. Everyone's been hurt and I am not an exception. I want to have a family and children and if I don't get over these adolescent nuances now then I won't have that.
I've also built up such an eventful life for myself that I can easily go by without having romance. Between work, school, and my close friends my time is occupied. I can make time but I need someone worth it. I expect people to prove themselves to me...and not everyone wants to do that.
What makes it easier for me to let go with Mat is because he is genuine and he is a sweetheart. I know deep in my gut that he would never intentionally do anything besides try to make me happy. I wish there was a bit more intensity from him, but maybe I just haven't discovered it yet. I feel the perfect amount of in control with him and I also feel very very safe.
It's embarrassing for me to even think of this. I need to stop shying away from things like this.
Grow up, Masha.
It's so hard to keep my ego down when I'm getting so much attention. I've always gotten attention from the opposite sex but it was always from people I had no interest in (like 40+ year old men). ...Now it's people my age. I don't know how to handle all of it. I don't know where I've gotten the sudden burst of confidence to try to make things happen with Red. It was innocent tutoring, whatever. I went to MFC with Chris before going to the concert and sat through her practice and Red was there as well. According to Chris he warmed up and fenced by me instead of by the mirror, which is where someone can find his conceited ass. After the concert we stayed at Webster Hall to dance in the club and got good treatment because of a friend of a friend of a friend...whatever. Zoila has tried in the past to hook Mat and I up but he got a girlfriend and we didn't talk much anyway...it was all internet bullshit. He was there on Friday and I guess he took a liking to me because he wouldn't let me out of his site the entire night and now I have a date next weekend.
Yeah I'm young and single and all this crap but I take it one at a time. Putting emotions aside, Red is going back to Spain and Euro is confused as hell by me so it's logical to give Mat a chance. Which is why I'm trying to.
What scares me is that I don't have a great track record with relationships. I always find it easier to keep people at some distance. I like my space and I haven't ever met anyone where I find myself often wanting to be with them. Physical closeness scares me. I've no problem with emotions and all that...to me that is easy. But to allow someone to be able to put their hands on me whenever they want to...as much as I'd like that I often find that I guard myself from that. I also don't want either of us to get hurt. Red and Euro are so easy to keep at a distance and (I feel terrible saying this) toy with.
I'm giving up control in some areas of my life and I need to work on letting it spill over into more areas...such as dating. Everyone's been hurt and I am not an exception. I want to have a family and children and if I don't get over these adolescent nuances now then I won't have that.
I've also built up such an eventful life for myself that I can easily go by without having romance. Between work, school, and my close friends my time is occupied. I can make time but I need someone worth it. I expect people to prove themselves to me...and not everyone wants to do that.
What makes it easier for me to let go with Mat is because he is genuine and he is a sweetheart. I know deep in my gut that he would never intentionally do anything besides try to make me happy. I wish there was a bit more intensity from him, but maybe I just haven't discovered it yet. I feel the perfect amount of in control with him and I also feel very very safe.
It's embarrassing for me to even think of this. I need to stop shying away from things like this.
Grow up, Masha.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
dutch rap is my guilty pleasure..
Dear Europe,
You are not far from my thoughts.
I will come.
Best,
Masha.
My mother got some bootlegged Rosetta Stone that offers every language. French, Dutch..you first. Then German, Spanish, Italian, etc. I am excited.
Spring Break came and went. It started amazing...sleep overs and breakfast and then Boston. Christine and I drove up and stayed in Cambridge. After settling into the Hotel (which was an awesome pick on my part) we drove around and got very lost and finally dropped the car off. Ended up walking to the restaurant (it's easier to find parking in Manhattan, I swear) which closes at 10! I felt like I was in the country. I'm used to having everything accessible 24/7! NYC spoils its residents, really... The air in Cambridge is ripe with pretentiousness and academia. Harvard Square is really nice, I'd love to have spent more time there. MIT is absolutely out of this world. Jealous..very jealous. The fencing was ight too. I made friends ;) I spent most of the break at Christine's house in Jersey being a lazy vegetable between work. That was also the first weekend I stayed in which was a good idea on my part. Going out all the time stinks.
Life is really amazing. I've hit a few short stops lately with the relationship between my mom and me but it's nothing new and it's definitely not as bad as it can get. Square peg, round hole.
My life basically consists of work, school, Kamil, and Christine. Other people come into the mix here and there and I enjoy their company as short or long lived as it happens to be. I miss Sam. She's changed so much. I have my theories as to how. It hurts though. It seems like ever since she went to New Paltz and has started dating Kevin she barely tries to stay in contact. How hard is it to jot down a quick e-mail via facebook? Texts, okay my phone broke but it still answers calls. I'm not picking this fight right now but dusting off the cold shoulder isn't hard to do.
Seeing as how it's spring everyone's "falling in love". A few catch my eye here and there but sex and hasty hook ups are not it for me and that seems to be all anyone wants these days. The few I'm intrigued by are...unattainable at best. One of them is in a universe completely separate from mine, the other is actually just fun to observe and the third has a dog of a side kick who wants to sleep with me (whatever happened to wingmen?) All three strike a deep interest in me. Just to know how their mind works, how they see America and how their country raised them to think... Fucking Europeans...
My mental health is at its peak. Everyone has lows but compared to how I used to be my lows are just...dents. I cannot wait for this summer. Hopefully it is like last year's...two jobs and beach every day I don't work. That is the life.
My dents are just that I feel like I am not enough for people. Especially when it comes to dating. There's always someone prettier and wittier and whateverhaveyou out there. I'm quiet and weird and kind of creepy sometimes. I find myself asking my friends how they end up staying around me when I'm not this and not that. It's not that I don't have self esteem or anything..that's not the case. I just know that there's always something better out there and I don't see why people should settle. It sucks seeing someone's potential.
Life is all perception to me. I've morphed mine into what works best and I'm riding this baby till I have to switch it up. I look towards the good things in life. Like the amazing nap I took this morning in my car instead of going to class (damn flu)...sun beating down...golden warmth and good tunes on the stereo. I don't try to control things. I'm not afraid of talking to people anymore, I'm myself around strangers more and more.
I am pleased. That is the best word to describe it. Not enamoured or unhappy or anyhing else. I am pleased. More changes can happen for the better in a lot of aspects but they're not as worst as they could be and I'll get by even if they take that downhill turn. But for now, everything has its place in the world...
You are not far from my thoughts.
I will come.
Best,
Masha.
My mother got some bootlegged Rosetta Stone that offers every language. French, Dutch..you first. Then German, Spanish, Italian, etc. I am excited.
Spring Break came and went. It started amazing...sleep overs and breakfast and then Boston. Christine and I drove up and stayed in Cambridge. After settling into the Hotel (which was an awesome pick on my part) we drove around and got very lost and finally dropped the car off. Ended up walking to the restaurant (it's easier to find parking in Manhattan, I swear) which closes at 10! I felt like I was in the country. I'm used to having everything accessible 24/7! NYC spoils its residents, really... The air in Cambridge is ripe with pretentiousness and academia. Harvard Square is really nice, I'd love to have spent more time there. MIT is absolutely out of this world. Jealous..very jealous. The fencing was ight too. I made friends ;) I spent most of the break at Christine's house in Jersey being a lazy vegetable between work. That was also the first weekend I stayed in which was a good idea on my part. Going out all the time stinks.
Life is really amazing. I've hit a few short stops lately with the relationship between my mom and me but it's nothing new and it's definitely not as bad as it can get. Square peg, round hole.
My life basically consists of work, school, Kamil, and Christine. Other people come into the mix here and there and I enjoy their company as short or long lived as it happens to be. I miss Sam. She's changed so much. I have my theories as to how. It hurts though. It seems like ever since she went to New Paltz and has started dating Kevin she barely tries to stay in contact. How hard is it to jot down a quick e-mail via facebook? Texts, okay my phone broke but it still answers calls. I'm not picking this fight right now but dusting off the cold shoulder isn't hard to do.
Seeing as how it's spring everyone's "falling in love". A few catch my eye here and there but sex and hasty hook ups are not it for me and that seems to be all anyone wants these days. The few I'm intrigued by are...unattainable at best. One of them is in a universe completely separate from mine, the other is actually just fun to observe and the third has a dog of a side kick who wants to sleep with me (whatever happened to wingmen?) All three strike a deep interest in me. Just to know how their mind works, how they see America and how their country raised them to think... Fucking Europeans...
My mental health is at its peak. Everyone has lows but compared to how I used to be my lows are just...dents. I cannot wait for this summer. Hopefully it is like last year's...two jobs and beach every day I don't work. That is the life.
My dents are just that I feel like I am not enough for people. Especially when it comes to dating. There's always someone prettier and wittier and whateverhaveyou out there. I'm quiet and weird and kind of creepy sometimes. I find myself asking my friends how they end up staying around me when I'm not this and not that. It's not that I don't have self esteem or anything..that's not the case. I just know that there's always something better out there and I don't see why people should settle. It sucks seeing someone's potential.
Life is all perception to me. I've morphed mine into what works best and I'm riding this baby till I have to switch it up. I look towards the good things in life. Like the amazing nap I took this morning in my car instead of going to class (damn flu)...sun beating down...golden warmth and good tunes on the stereo. I don't try to control things. I'm not afraid of talking to people anymore, I'm myself around strangers more and more.
I am pleased. That is the best word to describe it. Not enamoured or unhappy or anyhing else. I am pleased. More changes can happen for the better in a lot of aspects but they're not as worst as they could be and I'll get by even if they take that downhill turn. But for now, everything has its place in the world...
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Let go
Dear Life,
I can't control you.
I give up.
Throw at me what you have.
Even if I'm not ready.
Love,
Masha.
I can't control you.
I give up.
Throw at me what you have.
Even if I'm not ready.
Love,
Masha.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
