dutch rap is my guilty pleasure..

Dear Europe,

You are not far from my thoughts.
I will come.

Best,
Masha.

My mother got some bootlegged Rosetta Stone that offers every language. French, Dutch..you first. Then German, Spanish, Italian, etc. I am excited.

Spring Break came and went. It started amazing...sleep overs and breakfast and then Boston. Christine and I drove up and stayed in Cambridge. After settling into the Hotel (which was an awesome pick on my part) we drove around and got very lost and finally dropped the car off. Ended up walking to the restaurant (it's easier to find parking in Manhattan, I swear) which closes at 10! I felt like I was in the country. I'm used to having everything accessible 24/7! NYC spoils its residents, really... The air in Cambridge is ripe with pretentiousness and academia. Harvard Square is really nice, I'd love to have spent more time there. MIT is absolutely out of this world. Jealous..very jealous. The fencing was ight too. I made friends ;) I spent most of the break at Christine's house in Jersey being a lazy vegetable between work. That was also the first weekend I stayed in which was a good idea on my part. Going out all the time stinks.

Life is really amazing. I've hit a few short stops lately with the relationship between my mom and me but it's nothing new and it's definitely not as bad as it can get. Square peg, round hole.
My life basically consists of work, school, Kamil, and Christine. Other people come into the mix here and there and I enjoy their company as short or long lived as it happens to be. I miss Sam. She's changed so much. I have my theories as to how. It hurts though. It seems like ever since she went to New Paltz and has started dating Kevin she barely tries to stay in contact. How hard is it to jot down a quick e-mail via facebook? Texts, okay my phone broke but it still answers calls. I'm not picking this fight right now but dusting off the cold shoulder isn't hard to do.

Seeing as how it's spring everyone's "falling in love". A few catch my eye here and there but sex and hasty hook ups are not it for me and that seems to be all anyone wants these days. The few I'm intrigued by are...unattainable at best. One of them is in a universe completely separate from mine, the other is actually just fun to observe and the third has a dog of a side kick who wants to sleep with me (whatever happened to wingmen?) All three strike a deep interest in me. Just to know how their mind works, how they see America and how their country raised them to think... Fucking Europeans...

My mental health is at its peak. Everyone has lows but compared to how I used to be my lows are just...dents. I cannot wait for this summer. Hopefully it is like last year's...two jobs and beach every day I don't work. That is the life.
My dents are just that I feel like I am not enough for people. Especially when it comes to dating. There's always someone prettier and wittier and whateverhaveyou out there. I'm quiet and weird and kind of creepy sometimes. I find myself asking my friends how they end up staying around me when I'm not this and not that. It's not that I don't have self esteem or anything..that's not the case. I just know that there's always something better out there and I don't see why people should settle. It sucks seeing someone's potential.

Life is all perception to me. I've morphed mine into what works best and I'm riding this baby till I have to switch it up. I look towards the good things in life. Like the amazing nap I took this morning in my car instead of going to class (damn flu)...sun beating down...golden warmth and good tunes on the stereo. I don't try to control things. I'm not afraid of talking to people anymore, I'm myself around strangers more and more.

I am pleased. That is the best word to describe it. Not enamoured or unhappy or anyhing else. I am pleased. More changes can happen for the better in a lot of aspects but they're not as worst as they could be and I'll get by even if they take that downhill turn. But for now, everything has its place in the world...

Let go

Dear Life,

I can't control you.
I give up.

Throw at me what you have.
Even if I'm not ready.

Love,
Masha.

И я на память оставлю свои сигареты...

I am without defense. I am confused and lost. I blame fatigue for this. I have trained myself to ignore certain thoughts, to disconnect myself from past events and the emotions they stir up. Fatigue strips me of all filters and all conscious and sub-conscious defense mechanisms. It brings out the darkest inside me. But I'm not depressed. I'm in limbo.

It's not a question of staying positive. Answers are what I need. I can't help but dissect everything and everyone around me, even myself.

I'm not searching for any kind of enlightenment. I am searching for independence. I take pride in myself being indestructible, my lack of certain weaknesses. I'd rather spend my life in solitude than to give into what others ask of me. The problem arises when I cannot unscramble my thoughts and emotions.

I've had a surreal weekend. It was something out of a dream or a movie or a book. Anything except something out of my life. I wouldn't call it a downward spiral...that is too negative. I've accepted the events that have happened and have had some great laughs about it with my parents, who I adore more and more because they are accepting me for who I am and are finally becoming the support that I need. What I cannot accept are certain actions that I partook in. It was unlike me and I would like to believe that I had the ability to stop it in its tracks but I can’t ever know. I was completely taken aback. A slap in the face. What else was I to do but go along with it? I wanted to see how it panned out. I wanted to see how much I can take. I shocked myself. To walk away immediately unscathed. To go with life instead of controlling every moment. To sit on the edge of a cliff and dangle my feet, dangle my feet and tease the air below me. The fall would have brought me completely to my knees and crushed what I worked hard to build. It was tempting.

What I am afraid of is that part of me inside that I try to kill; that free, careless, and mischievous rebel inside me that I have suppressed when my father got sick. I set my priorities and followed through. I put work ahead of school out of desperation and have since re-assessed what is important to me right now: family, school, certain individuals, and work.

Family…my parents are amazing people, as is my brother. We are not openly physically affectionate but there are certain moments when I feel completely one with them. My mother has accepted that she cannot control me and has learned to trust my decisions and my morals. She always had a way to tell what happened without me having to go into detail and I appreciate her not poking around too much in my business, especially something as humiliating to me as this weekend was. My father has always been my spine. As annoying as he can get, I love him. Our quiet understanding is unmatched. He is there for me every chance I need him. I used to feel so hurt because they didn’t support my fencing and I still get upset when they disapprove of certain things in my life. At the end of the day, we are all the other has and there is a bittersweet, quiet, and steady flame that burns within our hearts and our house…our love for each other.

I do not know what to expect out of people. I am ashamed and afraid to admit that I don’t know my own strength, positive and negative. I am bipolar in that I feel everything emotion to the fullest. This is my blessing, my curse.

Anxiety has overwhelmed me and fatigue has brought out my inner most secrets. I walk around fully vulnerable to the world, naked in every sense but physical. My anorexic tendencies have returned. But I persevere. I like to throw things over the cliff and watch them tumble down. I like to suffer, to feel this flood. Not out of masochism. Possibly out of a need to feel alive through some way. I’m aggressive. I’m passionate. I’m loyal. I’m flawed. Seeing both sides of the argument is not a great way to stay sane.

I feel the acids in stomach turning. I’ve got what, 11..12 days without eating a single bite of food? I’ve almost hospitalized myself; almost sent myself into a disabled state before I was even 16. This is nothing.

But still, the feeling lingers.

There’s a championship game of ping-pong going on in my heart.