I am going to explode

There has to be more to life. I refuse to believe this it.

I have so much bottled up that I want to offer. I don't know how to express even half of what's going on in the noggin'.

I feel like if I fully projected who I am on to the world I would be left alone. Those who tell the truth are either dead or as good as. Outcasts, drunks, junkies, corpses, etc.

I need the Sjonnie to my Anita. I need someone I can throw everything at and will do the same for me. I need my compliment. I need a man who will challenge me as I challenge him. I want to love a man in every single way possible and create more ways to love and have that reciprocated. No one has balls. They run away scared.

People always run away scared. No one wants to deal with the real world. No one wants to deal with anything. They want everything spoon fed. Grow up.

I am aggressive. I am intimidating. I want to see what you have. All of you. I want to see what you have to offer.. I'm disappointed in humans. Disconnect yrselves from yr egos every once in a while, you never know what you'll find.

Ego. I try to keep mine small. I hate coming off as arrogant. If I ever do it's probably unintentional. As aggressive and intimidating as I may be at first, once yr in you get to know me. I'm quiet and I do keep to myself. I love the people in my life. Everyone has flaws and tempers rise but through it all, I love every single one of them.

Still. I feel an itch inside of me. I want to explode. I want to scatter every single thought and feeling inside of me all over the place. I can't make sense of half of what I think of or feel.

Instead, I will push everything down. I'll continue keeping to myself. If I feel a strong urge to express myself to someone I will. I've been slipping up. I need to keep this under control. I don't know what else to do.

Refer to the poem "Bluebird" by Charles Bukowski.

We are as one and one is all we are...

A friend of mine was my "shadow" today at school, meaning she followed me to my classes. We went to Christine's fencing practice and I sat in a corner trying not to disturb the practice or anyone there but eventually ended up talking to one of the coaches, Misha. Masha (my "shadow") let him know that I fence and he kept asking why I haven't joined the team and how I should join next year. I explained my situation to him and he went on to tell me that I need to focus more on school and not working or going out. I was able to relate to him. In a room full of people my age I end up feeling most comfortable with the oldest person in the room. It was like talking to one of my parent's friends. I also met this kid who's in legal studies and offered him an internship position at the OAG. Hopefully he will get it, we could use more volunteers because cases keep rolling in.

I started to feel down about not being able to fence. I feel like I've closed that chapter in my life. It's something I did in high school. I'd have loved to continue on in college and actually get a real coach instead of doing bullshit PSAL practices. But it's over. After my father's stroke I fought with my mom to let me fence during my senior year, had the shittiest ending I can ever ask for and hung up my foil. The ride home from the Championships I cried my eyes out because the ending was the worst I can ever ask for. Half the team gave up or never even cared and that reality sunk in. What also sunk in was that I'll never fence competetively again and that kept the tears going. I let it out. Now it's easy to ignore, until I'm around people who encourage me to do it and want me to fence or I'm at a major competition. It's that fencing bug...it's always somewhere under my skin. But I have other responsibilites.

Masha said I never do anything for myself. How I always put other's needs before me. That really pissed me off. My family's needs are my needs. Fencing will last me past college ONLY if I make the national team and fence in the Olympics. This internship, this crazy schedule...Maybe it is the rest of my life. Hopefully I will be earning enough income to compensate for that so I will be able to take 2 weeks off and fly off to some foreign country and disconnect myself from the world.

Recharging. That's all I need. That's my time to myself. I stay in a few nights and do whatever the hell I please. My mom's understood this by now and my dad has always understood. She doesn't bug me to do chores. She finally understands that I am trying. I need to disconnect myself from people, from responsibilities - from the world.

My life is not a portrait of perfection. If I were to focus on all the negativity in it, I would be six feet under or a drug addict/prostitute. I've gone through depression and all that bullshit. I was depressed for the majority of my childhood. I've learned to not ignore the negatives. They do, afterall, humble me and remind me to look on the bright side. Instead of ignoring them, I agknowledge their presence in my life and this world and leave it at that. I don't dwell on it. Not anymore. I do have downer days, sure...but that's when I need to recharge again.

On a completely different note, today I did a Vic with Kamil in my car and I was laying there smoking a ciggarette talking about people and how they project an image of themselves onto people that does not reflect who they really are, and I started thinking about it. One thought led to another and I started realizing how everything is so great and so fun when it's new. It's exciting, it's spontaneous, yr kept on the edge of yr seat, etc. But when it looses its luster, who sticks around? I look at Kamil who used to open doors for me and be all courteous and nice when we first started hanging out to how he is now. We flick boogers at each other and chill for hours in my car without having the need to say something but saying it when we want to. That luster of "oh he's new in my life" is gone but in its place has settled a comfort and a certain degree of love. We grew close fast and I love hanging out with him and I'm really happy that I have him in my life as a friend.
I meet so many people left and right and don't really give them a second thought. Some stick out and I wish I could forget them. Others are fake. I see my own close friends being fake. Let me tell you, ignorance is bliss. There's nothing more hurtful than seeing a someone you've known for years still put on a front and start projecting a false image onto you. Especially after you assure them time and time again that they don't need to do that. Why? If you let your guard down with me completely in the past, why all of the sudden are you throwing out at me this mask? Do you think I'm stupid? People are transparent. I hardly say even a fraction of things I observe in people and the gut feelings I get. If I can see through a stranger, what makes anyone think that I can't see through them when they are being fake when I've known them for years??

I just don't understand all these social games. I don't understand the need for games at all. This is another thing that outcasts me from society. Games and my disgust for them. I'm learning how to play though. If it allows me to escape situations unscathed then so be it.

For some reason I just thought back to a certain day in Ocean City. I had substituted working out for a pack of ciggarettes a day for about a year and half. I had just stopped smoking like 2 or 3 days prior. I ran about 5 miles in 40 minutes without a break and at a constant speed. Walked a mile to warm up and then just started running and didn't stop. I'd like to do that now...

This will all seem like gibberish to me tomorrow morning. Oh well.

"Why else keep a journal, if not to examine your own filth?" -Anne Sexton.

"Poetry and painting are done in the same way you make love; it's an exchange of blood, a total embrace—without caution, without any thought of protecting yourself."
—Joan Miro, interview, Cahiers D'Art, 1936

Re-reading my old blogs online helped me see how much I've lived through. I've decided to continue trying to jot down my thoughts as they are now. I remember Adrianna and I would start blogs to keep in touch. We write about our days and read the other's entries. That was the easiest way for me to feel close to her.

Re-reading all that I wrote I saw who I used to be. One day I'll look upon this and think how childish it all seemed. I am terrible at expressing myself. I'm lost somewhere between languages and words. I try not to dwell on this too much.

To each person their problems seem to be the worst. My mom would say this to me all the time. Aspects of my life may seem terrible to some but to me they are my life. Aspects of others' lives may seem difficult for me but to those persons, it is okay.

All I am sure of right now is that I am on the brink of something. I was always extremely cautious and quiet. I never took chances. I kept to myself. Lived in my own mind. Surreality was my reality. What everyone saw day to day I paid little attention to. I'd watch and watch and watch for hours as people go in and out. I still do. I take chances now though. I'm more fearless. I realized that I have nothing to loose. I feel like a referee at a tennis match. Vysoko sizhu, daleko glizhu. I sit and observe. Now I find I'm participating and observing. I move stuff around and watch what happens. I push people's buttons and watch what happens.
I am experimenting. I'm bored. I refuse to believe this is all life has to offer. I want to love and at times I feel filled with it but other times, such as these past two days I feel anger. I want to start trouble. I want to instigate and sit back and watch the world burn. People are so cruel. Society is an engorged dick. It fucks you to death. Good thing I'm an outcast.

And pain? I'm too numb for it. I've been hurt so much that at this point any more pain in my life will leave me unfazed. When people try to hurt me all I can think is "is that all you got?"

This outlook on pain has been crawling over into other aspects of my life. I'm always asking "is this it? Is this the best/worst you can throw at me?"

I think myself to be indestructibile. I am. Whether I am at my best or at my worst, I am indestructible. I long for a connection to people. I have good people in my life. Great people that I can discuss life with for hours. Is it enough? I need someone on my wave length. Someone with courage who throws themselves into situations with the same carelessness and caution as I do. Where is my equal? Where is my opponent? Society as a whole? HA. Society is a joke.

I'm sick of people walking around flaunting their shit when it stinks. I'm so angry. Last week I was all love, all happiness. I hoped I can meet someone who will equate it. I have both an immense amount of love as well as an immense amount of hate.

I am a complete contradiction. I want to help people and hurt them. I love society but at the same time I see it as a speck of dust that I cannot remove from my favorite plastic flower no matter how hard I try.

I'll find happiness. I'll find love. I'll find contentment. I'll die trying.