I am going to explode

There has to be more to life. I refuse to believe this it.

I have so much bottled up that I want to offer. I don't know how to express even half of what's going on in the noggin'.

I feel like if I fully projected who I am on to the world I would be left alone. Those who tell the truth are either dead or as good as. Outcasts, drunks, junkies, corpses, etc.

I need the Sjonnie to my Anita. I need someone I can throw everything at and will do the same for me. I need my compliment. I need a man who will challenge me as I challenge him. I want to love a man in every single way possible and create more ways to love and have that reciprocated. No one has balls. They run away scared.

People always run away scared. No one wants to deal with the real world. No one wants to deal with anything. They want everything spoon fed. Grow up.

I am aggressive. I am intimidating. I want to see what you have. All of you. I want to see what you have to offer.. I'm disappointed in humans. Disconnect yrselves from yr egos every once in a while, you never know what you'll find.

Ego. I try to keep mine small. I hate coming off as arrogant. If I ever do it's probably unintentional. As aggressive and intimidating as I may be at first, once yr in you get to know me. I'm quiet and I do keep to myself. I love the people in my life. Everyone has flaws and tempers rise but through it all, I love every single one of them.

Still. I feel an itch inside of me. I want to explode. I want to scatter every single thought and feeling inside of me all over the place. I can't make sense of half of what I think of or feel.

Instead, I will push everything down. I'll continue keeping to myself. If I feel a strong urge to express myself to someone I will. I've been slipping up. I need to keep this under control. I don't know what else to do.

Refer to the poem "Bluebird" by Charles Bukowski.