Tuesday, February 24, 2009

We are as one and one is all we are...

A friend of mine was my "shadow" today at school, meaning she followed me to my classes. We went to Christine's fencing practice and I sat in a corner trying not to disturb the practice or anyone there but eventually ended up talking to one of the coaches, Misha. Masha (my "shadow") let him know that I fence and he kept asking why I haven't joined the team and how I should join next year. I explained my situation to him and he went on to tell me that I need to focus more on school and not working or going out. I was able to relate to him. In a room full of people my age I end up feeling most comfortable with the oldest person in the room. It was like talking to one of my parent's friends. I also met this kid who's in legal studies and offered him an internship position at the OAG. Hopefully he will get it, we could use more volunteers because cases keep rolling in.

I started to feel down about not being able to fence. I feel like I've closed that chapter in my life. It's something I did in high school. I'd have loved to continue on in college and actually get a real coach instead of doing bullshit PSAL practices. But it's over. After my father's stroke I fought with my mom to let me fence during my senior year, had the shittiest ending I can ever ask for and hung up my foil. The ride home from the Championships I cried my eyes out because the ending was the worst I can ever ask for. Half the team gave up or never even cared and that reality sunk in. What also sunk in was that I'll never fence competetively again and that kept the tears going. I let it out. Now it's easy to ignore, until I'm around people who encourage me to do it and want me to fence or I'm at a major competition. It's that fencing bug...it's always somewhere under my skin. But I have other responsibilites.

Masha said I never do anything for myself. How I always put other's needs before me. That really pissed me off. My family's needs are my needs. Fencing will last me past college ONLY if I make the national team and fence in the Olympics. This internship, this crazy schedule...Maybe it is the rest of my life. Hopefully I will be earning enough income to compensate for that so I will be able to take 2 weeks off and fly off to some foreign country and disconnect myself from the world.

Recharging. That's all I need. That's my time to myself. I stay in a few nights and do whatever the hell I please. My mom's understood this by now and my dad has always understood. She doesn't bug me to do chores. She finally understands that I am trying. I need to disconnect myself from people, from responsibilities - from the world.

My life is not a portrait of perfection. If I were to focus on all the negativity in it, I would be six feet under or a drug addict/prostitute. I've gone through depression and all that bullshit. I was depressed for the majority of my childhood. I've learned to not ignore the negatives. They do, afterall, humble me and remind me to look on the bright side. Instead of ignoring them, I agknowledge their presence in my life and this world and leave it at that. I don't dwell on it. Not anymore. I do have downer days, sure...but that's when I need to recharge again.

On a completely different note, today I did a Vic with Kamil in my car and I was laying there smoking a ciggarette talking about people and how they project an image of themselves onto people that does not reflect who they really are, and I started thinking about it. One thought led to another and I started realizing how everything is so great and so fun when it's new. It's exciting, it's spontaneous, yr kept on the edge of yr seat, etc. But when it looses its luster, who sticks around? I look at Kamil who used to open doors for me and be all courteous and nice when we first started hanging out to how he is now. We flick boogers at each other and chill for hours in my car without having the need to say something but saying it when we want to. That luster of "oh he's new in my life" is gone but in its place has settled a comfort and a certain degree of love. We grew close fast and I love hanging out with him and I'm really happy that I have him in my life as a friend.
I meet so many people left and right and don't really give them a second thought. Some stick out and I wish I could forget them. Others are fake. I see my own close friends being fake. Let me tell you, ignorance is bliss. There's nothing more hurtful than seeing a someone you've known for years still put on a front and start projecting a false image onto you. Especially after you assure them time and time again that they don't need to do that. Why? If you let your guard down with me completely in the past, why all of the sudden are you throwing out at me this mask? Do you think I'm stupid? People are transparent. I hardly say even a fraction of things I observe in people and the gut feelings I get. If I can see through a stranger, what makes anyone think that I can't see through them when they are being fake when I've known them for years??

I just don't understand all these social games. I don't understand the need for games at all. This is another thing that outcasts me from society. Games and my disgust for them. I'm learning how to play though. If it allows me to escape situations unscathed then so be it.

For some reason I just thought back to a certain day in Ocean City. I had substituted working out for a pack of ciggarettes a day for about a year and half. I had just stopped smoking like 2 or 3 days prior. I ran about 5 miles in 40 minutes without a break and at a constant speed. Walked a mile to warm up and then just started running and didn't stop. I'd like to do that now...

This will all seem like gibberish to me tomorrow morning. Oh well.

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