What a whirlwind.
It's so hard to keep my ego down when I'm getting so much attention. I've always gotten attention from the opposite sex but it was always from people I had no interest in (like 40+ year old men). ...Now it's people my age. I don't know how to handle all of it. I don't know where I've gotten the sudden burst of confidence to try to make things happen with Red. It was innocent tutoring, whatever. I went to MFC with Chris before going to the concert and sat through her practice and Red was there as well. According to Chris he warmed up and fenced by me instead of by the mirror, which is where someone can find his conceited ass. After the concert we stayed at Webster Hall to dance in the club and got good treatment because of a friend of a friend of a friend...whatever. Zoila has tried in the past to hook Mat and I up but he got a girlfriend and we didn't talk much anyway...it was all internet bullshit. He was there on Friday and I guess he took a liking to me because he wouldn't let me out of his site the entire night and now I have a date next weekend.
Yeah I'm young and single and all this crap but I take it one at a time. Putting emotions aside, Red is going back to Spain and Euro is confused as hell by me so it's logical to give Mat a chance. Which is why I'm trying to.
What scares me is that I don't have a great track record with relationships. I always find it easier to keep people at some distance. I like my space and I haven't ever met anyone where I find myself often wanting to be with them. Physical closeness scares me. I've no problem with emotions and all that...to me that is easy. But to allow someone to be able to put their hands on me whenever they want to...as much as I'd like that I often find that I guard myself from that. I also don't want either of us to get hurt. Red and Euro are so easy to keep at a distance and (I feel terrible saying this) toy with.
I'm giving up control in some areas of my life and I need to work on letting it spill over into more areas...such as dating. Everyone's been hurt and I am not an exception. I want to have a family and children and if I don't get over these adolescent nuances now then I won't have that.
I've also built up such an eventful life for myself that I can easily go by without having romance. Between work, school, and my close friends my time is occupied. I can make time but I need someone worth it. I expect people to prove themselves to me...and not everyone wants to do that.
What makes it easier for me to let go with Mat is because he is genuine and he is a sweetheart. I know deep in my gut that he would never intentionally do anything besides try to make me happy. I wish there was a bit more intensity from him, but maybe I just haven't discovered it yet. I feel the perfect amount of in control with him and I also feel very very safe.
It's embarrassing for me to even think of this. I need to stop shying away from things like this.
Grow up, Masha.
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