A re-evaluation is called for. I need to get my shit together. Letting go of control isn't for me. I need to get my finances in order, get set up for next semester in terms of loans, and then start with this job hunting and get rid of my debt.
I hate being tied down by money. This is the most retarded thing in existence. Every single being on earth besides humans gets by fine without money. My mother's brain washing is kicking in. I've been trying to fight it. Winning the battle but loosing the war, maybe?
I feel like I've been riding some train and fell asleep, waking up after missing my stop in a foreign place. I'm living a life that belongs to someone else. I kind of gave up controlling things but it hit me earlier today how I am so different.
I need to sort out my thoughts. All I want to do though is just have everything work out. I'm so tired of stressing over everything. I just want to be happy.
I think this is all just things I've bottled up because I was trying to live life in a new way and now it's sort of crumbling. I need to do this. Live and learn. The entire point of this blog or any other form of a blog I've kept is to document my regression and progression through life.
Maybe I just need a cigarette but I've gone a whole day without having one and I want to stop. Shit's too expensive.
I need to be pure. I need to be strong, happy, successful. I need to be fit, physically amiable. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. I need to become more tolerant, patient, and confident. I need to not doubt. I need to trust and have some faith.
I need to figure out what the fuck is going on in my life and get behind the steering wheel again.
-Masha.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Progression?
I received a notice in the mail to see one of the Deans. I sat down and she told me that if I take one summer course and 6 classes for the next 3 semesters I finish a semester early. Or I can take 4 classes this summer and 6 classes next year and finish a year early.
Instead I'm deciding to take on a French minor, since it's exactly the amount of classes I have room for and will graduate as planned, May 2011.
My GPA isn't much to brag about but I do have decent work experience, if this internship ends up amounting to anything. At least I'll graduate with a Bachelor's in Finance with a French minor. I might end up being able to get a job for a French investment firm and head on over there like I'd always dreamed.
It's funny because I turned 20 earlier this week and I feel like I truly need to start focusing on my future and making plans. I'm not a free spirit; I'm very grounded. It feels good to finally see something work out.
Ever since I met Mat my perspective has changed. Like there is hope. There are people out there who appreciate the same things as me and share the same values. Maybe that was enough to give me the closure I was seeking. It's one thing to have friends. I can always rely on a few select people in my life and although it may seem like I do not always let them in, I do and I would kill for them. To have someone who sits there and says to me "I'm madly in love with you" is like a shock. It has been a fairy tale.
I don't want to say that he's the reason why things have been looking up. I don't want to be left helpless when he's gone. Watching my own back here. But it does feel comforting. It feels right. This is how it's supposed to be. Every time I look at him I feel deep inside that this is the way things should be. I got that same feeling when I found out that I will be able to go through with a French minor.
I need to get my shit together. I need to work out some issues as to what I'm willing to do to get ahead in life. I don't want to step on people or use them or hurt them. At the same time though, I hurt people very easily because what is not hurtful to me is hurtful to others and I don't always see that.
I let the steering wheel go and have followed this road. I like where it's taken me so far. I want to control in which direction it goes but I realize now that I can't always be stressing out and controlling everything like I used to. It's not use stressing over it. I work myself into a fit. I put myself into this бочка and sit there.. It's like I stepped in shit and instead of wiping it off and continuing on I sit there and roll in it.
Fuck it.
Chaos can be beneficial. What else do you have out there for me?
I want to suffer. I want to work through difficult times. I don't expect life to always be as great as it is now. I appreciate how it is now but I'm prepared for the difficulties. I won't force them but when they come up I will not back down.
What else you got? Throw it at me. I want to grow and mature and be stronger. Bring it.
Instead I'm deciding to take on a French minor, since it's exactly the amount of classes I have room for and will graduate as planned, May 2011.
My GPA isn't much to brag about but I do have decent work experience, if this internship ends up amounting to anything. At least I'll graduate with a Bachelor's in Finance with a French minor. I might end up being able to get a job for a French investment firm and head on over there like I'd always dreamed.
It's funny because I turned 20 earlier this week and I feel like I truly need to start focusing on my future and making plans. I'm not a free spirit; I'm very grounded. It feels good to finally see something work out.
Ever since I met Mat my perspective has changed. Like there is hope. There are people out there who appreciate the same things as me and share the same values. Maybe that was enough to give me the closure I was seeking. It's one thing to have friends. I can always rely on a few select people in my life and although it may seem like I do not always let them in, I do and I would kill for them. To have someone who sits there and says to me "I'm madly in love with you" is like a shock. It has been a fairy tale.
I don't want to say that he's the reason why things have been looking up. I don't want to be left helpless when he's gone. Watching my own back here. But it does feel comforting. It feels right. This is how it's supposed to be. Every time I look at him I feel deep inside that this is the way things should be. I got that same feeling when I found out that I will be able to go through with a French minor.
I need to get my shit together. I need to work out some issues as to what I'm willing to do to get ahead in life. I don't want to step on people or use them or hurt them. At the same time though, I hurt people very easily because what is not hurtful to me is hurtful to others and I don't always see that.
I let the steering wheel go and have followed this road. I like where it's taken me so far. I want to control in which direction it goes but I realize now that I can't always be stressing out and controlling everything like I used to. It's not use stressing over it. I work myself into a fit. I put myself into this бочка and sit there.. It's like I stepped in shit and instead of wiping it off and continuing on I sit there and roll in it.
Fuck it.
Chaos can be beneficial. What else do you have out there for me?
I want to suffer. I want to work through difficult times. I don't expect life to always be as great as it is now. I appreciate how it is now but I'm prepared for the difficulties. I won't force them but when they come up I will not back down.
What else you got? Throw it at me. I want to grow and mature and be stronger. Bring it.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Mat...
Royksopp - 'Only This Moment'
Only this moment (Holds us together)
Close to perfection (Nothing is out there)
No one to guide us (Lost in the senses)
Deep down inside I know our love will die
Only this moment (Holds us together)
Lost in confusion (Feelings are out there)
Scared of the ocean (Doubting intentions)
Deep down inside I know our love will die
Stay or forever go
Play or you’ll never know
We haven’t decided
You can’t deny it’s all you’ve been waiting for
Stay or forever go
Play or you’ll never know
Your spirit’s divided
You will decide if I’m all you’ve been waiting for
Got in my head
Have Been part of my twist
By the force of the nature
Revealing our fates
And our words don’t make sense and I do understand,
Falling in love isn’t part of our plan
Forces within me, makes reason with lust
But I try to accept it and not think it works
Because I know I might lose you by taking the chance
But love without pain isn’t really romance
Only this moment (Holds us together)
Close to perfection (Nothing is out there
Always beside us (Trusting my senses)
Deep down inside (I know I will survive)
Only this moment (Holds us together)
Close to perfection (Nothing else out there)
Always beside us (Trusting my senses)
Deep down inside I know I will survive
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Polacks taking over my life...
First there was Adrianna...who I'm still friends with to this day.
Then there was Kamil...who is basically my brother.
Then there's Tomek...who doesn't need an explanation.
Now...Mateusz.
Our date was set up for Saturday. I invited him out to my fav. bar with friends on Friday for happy hour. Happy Hour came and went and Criff Dogs was consumed and I found myself cuddling with him in Union Square Park on some random bench from 9pm until 3am. Refusing to let me go home alone, he came with me to the ferry and waited until it came and continued talking to me via texts until I came home and fell asleep. We talked about everything. To sit there for 6 hours and talk to a person non-stop is pretty mircaulous for me because I enjoy sharing silence with others.
Saturday was the best date I could have imagined.. I met him in the Financial District for dinner on Stone St. and Pearl St... a cobblestoned street filled with restauraunt next to restaurant on both sides and tables on the street in front of the eateries... Feeding each other a bite from what we ordered. Then off to Chinatown for bubble tea mmm :9 Train up to Columbus Circle and walking around Central Park trying to find some lake he remembers but ending up sitting down by a different lake and continuing on going conversation. After night fell we decided to walk downtown to find a place where we can sit and talk without worrying about shouting over music or people trying to get wasted and escape their pathetic lives. Ended up going to see Watchmen in Times Sq (worst movie ever!). Again, he walked me to the ferry and waited with me until it came. Got home 3am. Progress? :p
Sunday I went to the Auto Show with Angelo. You could see the recession hitting. Not as many booths/attractions/cars...Maserati was no where in sight, for example. I found myself turning around expecting him to be there so I could grab his hand or hug him. He wasn't there.
Monday after work we meet up to get dinner and end up sitting in Starbucks for hours talking. Over dinner he presented me a small gift that has turned out to be one of the most useful things in my car. A dual Blackberry/iPod charger. Something he mentioned in passing and I knew I should get around to buying. To have someone go out of their way to be thoughtful like that meant more to me than anything else. In Starbucks he and I sat next to each other and poured out our hearts a bit while everyone was running outside trying to get out of the pouring rain. It was very surreal and I had to catch myself a few times.
With him I can't read my emotion. I guess I'm too busy soaking him in and being dumbfounded by his clear blue eyes and the feel of his soft skin at my fingertips. When he's away all I want is to have him back. Us being together feels natural and effortless and unforced. He is what I've been looking for. What all these others tried to be. We are disgustingly affectionate and romantic with each other and I savour every moment of it. I love being able to say the cheesiest most romantic thing to someone who welcomes it and is able to reciprocate that.
I let go of the steering wheel. I am letting things flow and a current has picked me up and I have no desire to fight it. I want to strengthen it and see how far it takes me and what I find and learn.
Mat makes me ridiculously happy. All he has to do is put his arm around me and instantly I melt. I never want to leave his embrace. I look at him sometimes and freeze because I cannot believe that this handsome, sweet guy is mine. His kisses make me dizzy and make me want more of him and I have to have it.
I am incredibly happy.
Then there was Kamil...who is basically my brother.
Then there's Tomek...who doesn't need an explanation.
Now...Mateusz.
Our date was set up for Saturday. I invited him out to my fav. bar with friends on Friday for happy hour. Happy Hour came and went and Criff Dogs was consumed and I found myself cuddling with him in Union Square Park on some random bench from 9pm until 3am. Refusing to let me go home alone, he came with me to the ferry and waited until it came and continued talking to me via texts until I came home and fell asleep. We talked about everything. To sit there for 6 hours and talk to a person non-stop is pretty mircaulous for me because I enjoy sharing silence with others.
Saturday was the best date I could have imagined.. I met him in the Financial District for dinner on Stone St. and Pearl St... a cobblestoned street filled with restauraunt next to restaurant on both sides and tables on the street in front of the eateries... Feeding each other a bite from what we ordered. Then off to Chinatown for bubble tea mmm :9 Train up to Columbus Circle and walking around Central Park trying to find some lake he remembers but ending up sitting down by a different lake and continuing on going conversation. After night fell we decided to walk downtown to find a place where we can sit and talk without worrying about shouting over music or people trying to get wasted and escape their pathetic lives. Ended up going to see Watchmen in Times Sq (worst movie ever!). Again, he walked me to the ferry and waited with me until it came. Got home 3am. Progress? :p
Sunday I went to the Auto Show with Angelo. You could see the recession hitting. Not as many booths/attractions/cars...Maserati was no where in sight, for example. I found myself turning around expecting him to be there so I could grab his hand or hug him. He wasn't there.
Monday after work we meet up to get dinner and end up sitting in Starbucks for hours talking. Over dinner he presented me a small gift that has turned out to be one of the most useful things in my car. A dual Blackberry/iPod charger. Something he mentioned in passing and I knew I should get around to buying. To have someone go out of their way to be thoughtful like that meant more to me than anything else. In Starbucks he and I sat next to each other and poured out our hearts a bit while everyone was running outside trying to get out of the pouring rain. It was very surreal and I had to catch myself a few times.
With him I can't read my emotion. I guess I'm too busy soaking him in and being dumbfounded by his clear blue eyes and the feel of his soft skin at my fingertips. When he's away all I want is to have him back. Us being together feels natural and effortless and unforced. He is what I've been looking for. What all these others tried to be. We are disgustingly affectionate and romantic with each other and I savour every moment of it. I love being able to say the cheesiest most romantic thing to someone who welcomes it and is able to reciprocate that.
I let go of the steering wheel. I am letting things flow and a current has picked me up and I have no desire to fight it. I want to strengthen it and see how far it takes me and what I find and learn.
Mat makes me ridiculously happy. All he has to do is put his arm around me and instantly I melt. I never want to leave his embrace. I look at him sometimes and freeze because I cannot believe that this handsome, sweet guy is mine. His kisses make me dizzy and make me want more of him and I have to have it.
I am incredibly happy.
Monday, April 13, 2009
huh...
What a whirlwind.
It's so hard to keep my ego down when I'm getting so much attention. I've always gotten attention from the opposite sex but it was always from people I had no interest in (like 40+ year old men). ...Now it's people my age. I don't know how to handle all of it. I don't know where I've gotten the sudden burst of confidence to try to make things happen with Red. It was innocent tutoring, whatever. I went to MFC with Chris before going to the concert and sat through her practice and Red was there as well. According to Chris he warmed up and fenced by me instead of by the mirror, which is where someone can find his conceited ass. After the concert we stayed at Webster Hall to dance in the club and got good treatment because of a friend of a friend of a friend...whatever. Zoila has tried in the past to hook Mat and I up but he got a girlfriend and we didn't talk much anyway...it was all internet bullshit. He was there on Friday and I guess he took a liking to me because he wouldn't let me out of his site the entire night and now I have a date next weekend.
Yeah I'm young and single and all this crap but I take it one at a time. Putting emotions aside, Red is going back to Spain and Euro is confused as hell by me so it's logical to give Mat a chance. Which is why I'm trying to.
What scares me is that I don't have a great track record with relationships. I always find it easier to keep people at some distance. I like my space and I haven't ever met anyone where I find myself often wanting to be with them. Physical closeness scares me. I've no problem with emotions and all that...to me that is easy. But to allow someone to be able to put their hands on me whenever they want to...as much as I'd like that I often find that I guard myself from that. I also don't want either of us to get hurt. Red and Euro are so easy to keep at a distance and (I feel terrible saying this) toy with.
I'm giving up control in some areas of my life and I need to work on letting it spill over into more areas...such as dating. Everyone's been hurt and I am not an exception. I want to have a family and children and if I don't get over these adolescent nuances now then I won't have that.
I've also built up such an eventful life for myself that I can easily go by without having romance. Between work, school, and my close friends my time is occupied. I can make time but I need someone worth it. I expect people to prove themselves to me...and not everyone wants to do that.
What makes it easier for me to let go with Mat is because he is genuine and he is a sweetheart. I know deep in my gut that he would never intentionally do anything besides try to make me happy. I wish there was a bit more intensity from him, but maybe I just haven't discovered it yet. I feel the perfect amount of in control with him and I also feel very very safe.
It's embarrassing for me to even think of this. I need to stop shying away from things like this.
Grow up, Masha.
It's so hard to keep my ego down when I'm getting so much attention. I've always gotten attention from the opposite sex but it was always from people I had no interest in (like 40+ year old men). ...Now it's people my age. I don't know how to handle all of it. I don't know where I've gotten the sudden burst of confidence to try to make things happen with Red. It was innocent tutoring, whatever. I went to MFC with Chris before going to the concert and sat through her practice and Red was there as well. According to Chris he warmed up and fenced by me instead of by the mirror, which is where someone can find his conceited ass. After the concert we stayed at Webster Hall to dance in the club and got good treatment because of a friend of a friend of a friend...whatever. Zoila has tried in the past to hook Mat and I up but he got a girlfriend and we didn't talk much anyway...it was all internet bullshit. He was there on Friday and I guess he took a liking to me because he wouldn't let me out of his site the entire night and now I have a date next weekend.
Yeah I'm young and single and all this crap but I take it one at a time. Putting emotions aside, Red is going back to Spain and Euro is confused as hell by me so it's logical to give Mat a chance. Which is why I'm trying to.
What scares me is that I don't have a great track record with relationships. I always find it easier to keep people at some distance. I like my space and I haven't ever met anyone where I find myself often wanting to be with them. Physical closeness scares me. I've no problem with emotions and all that...to me that is easy. But to allow someone to be able to put their hands on me whenever they want to...as much as I'd like that I often find that I guard myself from that. I also don't want either of us to get hurt. Red and Euro are so easy to keep at a distance and (I feel terrible saying this) toy with.
I'm giving up control in some areas of my life and I need to work on letting it spill over into more areas...such as dating. Everyone's been hurt and I am not an exception. I want to have a family and children and if I don't get over these adolescent nuances now then I won't have that.
I've also built up such an eventful life for myself that I can easily go by without having romance. Between work, school, and my close friends my time is occupied. I can make time but I need someone worth it. I expect people to prove themselves to me...and not everyone wants to do that.
What makes it easier for me to let go with Mat is because he is genuine and he is a sweetheart. I know deep in my gut that he would never intentionally do anything besides try to make me happy. I wish there was a bit more intensity from him, but maybe I just haven't discovered it yet. I feel the perfect amount of in control with him and I also feel very very safe.
It's embarrassing for me to even think of this. I need to stop shying away from things like this.
Grow up, Masha.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
dutch rap is my guilty pleasure..
Dear Europe,
You are not far from my thoughts.
I will come.
Best,
Masha.
My mother got some bootlegged Rosetta Stone that offers every language. French, Dutch..you first. Then German, Spanish, Italian, etc. I am excited.
Spring Break came and went. It started amazing...sleep overs and breakfast and then Boston. Christine and I drove up and stayed in Cambridge. After settling into the Hotel (which was an awesome pick on my part) we drove around and got very lost and finally dropped the car off. Ended up walking to the restaurant (it's easier to find parking in Manhattan, I swear) which closes at 10! I felt like I was in the country. I'm used to having everything accessible 24/7! NYC spoils its residents, really... The air in Cambridge is ripe with pretentiousness and academia. Harvard Square is really nice, I'd love to have spent more time there. MIT is absolutely out of this world. Jealous..very jealous. The fencing was ight too. I made friends ;) I spent most of the break at Christine's house in Jersey being a lazy vegetable between work. That was also the first weekend I stayed in which was a good idea on my part. Going out all the time stinks.
Life is really amazing. I've hit a few short stops lately with the relationship between my mom and me but it's nothing new and it's definitely not as bad as it can get. Square peg, round hole.
My life basically consists of work, school, Kamil, and Christine. Other people come into the mix here and there and I enjoy their company as short or long lived as it happens to be. I miss Sam. She's changed so much. I have my theories as to how. It hurts though. It seems like ever since she went to New Paltz and has started dating Kevin she barely tries to stay in contact. How hard is it to jot down a quick e-mail via facebook? Texts, okay my phone broke but it still answers calls. I'm not picking this fight right now but dusting off the cold shoulder isn't hard to do.
Seeing as how it's spring everyone's "falling in love". A few catch my eye here and there but sex and hasty hook ups are not it for me and that seems to be all anyone wants these days. The few I'm intrigued by are...unattainable at best. One of them is in a universe completely separate from mine, the other is actually just fun to observe and the third has a dog of a side kick who wants to sleep with me (whatever happened to wingmen?) All three strike a deep interest in me. Just to know how their mind works, how they see America and how their country raised them to think... Fucking Europeans...
My mental health is at its peak. Everyone has lows but compared to how I used to be my lows are just...dents. I cannot wait for this summer. Hopefully it is like last year's...two jobs and beach every day I don't work. That is the life.
My dents are just that I feel like I am not enough for people. Especially when it comes to dating. There's always someone prettier and wittier and whateverhaveyou out there. I'm quiet and weird and kind of creepy sometimes. I find myself asking my friends how they end up staying around me when I'm not this and not that. It's not that I don't have self esteem or anything..that's not the case. I just know that there's always something better out there and I don't see why people should settle. It sucks seeing someone's potential.
Life is all perception to me. I've morphed mine into what works best and I'm riding this baby till I have to switch it up. I look towards the good things in life. Like the amazing nap I took this morning in my car instead of going to class (damn flu)...sun beating down...golden warmth and good tunes on the stereo. I don't try to control things. I'm not afraid of talking to people anymore, I'm myself around strangers more and more.
I am pleased. That is the best word to describe it. Not enamoured or unhappy or anyhing else. I am pleased. More changes can happen for the better in a lot of aspects but they're not as worst as they could be and I'll get by even if they take that downhill turn. But for now, everything has its place in the world...
You are not far from my thoughts.
I will come.
Best,
Masha.
My mother got some bootlegged Rosetta Stone that offers every language. French, Dutch..you first. Then German, Spanish, Italian, etc. I am excited.
Spring Break came and went. It started amazing...sleep overs and breakfast and then Boston. Christine and I drove up and stayed in Cambridge. After settling into the Hotel (which was an awesome pick on my part) we drove around and got very lost and finally dropped the car off. Ended up walking to the restaurant (it's easier to find parking in Manhattan, I swear) which closes at 10! I felt like I was in the country. I'm used to having everything accessible 24/7! NYC spoils its residents, really... The air in Cambridge is ripe with pretentiousness and academia. Harvard Square is really nice, I'd love to have spent more time there. MIT is absolutely out of this world. Jealous..very jealous. The fencing was ight too. I made friends ;) I spent most of the break at Christine's house in Jersey being a lazy vegetable between work. That was also the first weekend I stayed in which was a good idea on my part. Going out all the time stinks.
Life is really amazing. I've hit a few short stops lately with the relationship between my mom and me but it's nothing new and it's definitely not as bad as it can get. Square peg, round hole.
My life basically consists of work, school, Kamil, and Christine. Other people come into the mix here and there and I enjoy their company as short or long lived as it happens to be. I miss Sam. She's changed so much. I have my theories as to how. It hurts though. It seems like ever since she went to New Paltz and has started dating Kevin she barely tries to stay in contact. How hard is it to jot down a quick e-mail via facebook? Texts, okay my phone broke but it still answers calls. I'm not picking this fight right now but dusting off the cold shoulder isn't hard to do.
Seeing as how it's spring everyone's "falling in love". A few catch my eye here and there but sex and hasty hook ups are not it for me and that seems to be all anyone wants these days. The few I'm intrigued by are...unattainable at best. One of them is in a universe completely separate from mine, the other is actually just fun to observe and the third has a dog of a side kick who wants to sleep with me (whatever happened to wingmen?) All three strike a deep interest in me. Just to know how their mind works, how they see America and how their country raised them to think... Fucking Europeans...
My mental health is at its peak. Everyone has lows but compared to how I used to be my lows are just...dents. I cannot wait for this summer. Hopefully it is like last year's...two jobs and beach every day I don't work. That is the life.
My dents are just that I feel like I am not enough for people. Especially when it comes to dating. There's always someone prettier and wittier and whateverhaveyou out there. I'm quiet and weird and kind of creepy sometimes. I find myself asking my friends how they end up staying around me when I'm not this and not that. It's not that I don't have self esteem or anything..that's not the case. I just know that there's always something better out there and I don't see why people should settle. It sucks seeing someone's potential.
Life is all perception to me. I've morphed mine into what works best and I'm riding this baby till I have to switch it up. I look towards the good things in life. Like the amazing nap I took this morning in my car instead of going to class (damn flu)...sun beating down...golden warmth and good tunes on the stereo. I don't try to control things. I'm not afraid of talking to people anymore, I'm myself around strangers more and more.
I am pleased. That is the best word to describe it. Not enamoured or unhappy or anyhing else. I am pleased. More changes can happen for the better in a lot of aspects but they're not as worst as they could be and I'll get by even if they take that downhill turn. But for now, everything has its place in the world...
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Let go
Dear Life,
I can't control you.
I give up.
Throw at me what you have.
Even if I'm not ready.
Love,
Masha.
I can't control you.
I give up.
Throw at me what you have.
Even if I'm not ready.
Love,
Masha.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
И я на память оставлю свои сигареты...
I am without defense. I am confused and lost. I blame fatigue for this. I have trained myself to ignore certain thoughts, to disconnect myself from past events and the emotions they stir up. Fatigue strips me of all filters and all conscious and sub-conscious defense mechanisms. It brings out the darkest inside me. But I'm not depressed. I'm in limbo.
It's not a question of staying positive. Answers are what I need. I can't help but dissect everything and everyone around me, even myself.
I'm not searching for any kind of enlightenment. I am searching for independence. I take pride in myself being indestructible, my lack of certain weaknesses. I'd rather spend my life in solitude than to give into what others ask of me. The problem arises when I cannot unscramble my thoughts and emotions.
I've had a surreal weekend. It was something out of a dream or a movie or a book. Anything except something out of my life. I wouldn't call it a downward spiral...that is too negative. I've accepted the events that have happened and have had some great laughs about it with my parents, who I adore more and more because they are accepting me for who I am and are finally becoming the support that I need. What I cannot accept are certain actions that I partook in. It was unlike me and I would like to believe that I had the ability to stop it in its tracks but I can’t ever know. I was completely taken aback. A slap in the face. What else was I to do but go along with it? I wanted to see how it panned out. I wanted to see how much I can take. I shocked myself. To walk away immediately unscathed. To go with life instead of controlling every moment. To sit on the edge of a cliff and dangle my feet, dangle my feet and tease the air below me. The fall would have brought me completely to my knees and crushed what I worked hard to build. It was tempting.
What I am afraid of is that part of me inside that I try to kill; that free, careless, and mischievous rebel inside me that I have suppressed when my father got sick. I set my priorities and followed through. I put work ahead of school out of desperation and have since re-assessed what is important to me right now: family, school, certain individuals, and work.
Family…my parents are amazing people, as is my brother. We are not openly physically affectionate but there are certain moments when I feel completely one with them. My mother has accepted that she cannot control me and has learned to trust my decisions and my morals. She always had a way to tell what happened without me having to go into detail and I appreciate her not poking around too much in my business, especially something as humiliating to me as this weekend was. My father has always been my spine. As annoying as he can get, I love him. Our quiet understanding is unmatched. He is there for me every chance I need him. I used to feel so hurt because they didn’t support my fencing and I still get upset when they disapprove of certain things in my life. At the end of the day, we are all the other has and there is a bittersweet, quiet, and steady flame that burns within our hearts and our house…our love for each other.
I do not know what to expect out of people. I am ashamed and afraid to admit that I don’t know my own strength, positive and negative. I am bipolar in that I feel everything emotion to the fullest. This is my blessing, my curse.
Anxiety has overwhelmed me and fatigue has brought out my inner most secrets. I walk around fully vulnerable to the world, naked in every sense but physical. My anorexic tendencies have returned. But I persevere. I like to throw things over the cliff and watch them tumble down. I like to suffer, to feel this flood. Not out of masochism. Possibly out of a need to feel alive through some way. I’m aggressive. I’m passionate. I’m loyal. I’m flawed. Seeing both sides of the argument is not a great way to stay sane.
I feel the acids in stomach turning. I’ve got what, 11..12 days without eating a single bite of food? I’ve almost hospitalized myself; almost sent myself into a disabled state before I was even 16. This is nothing.
But still, the feeling lingers.
There’s a championship game of ping-pong going on in my heart.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
I am going to explode
There has to be more to life. I refuse to believe this it.
I have so much bottled up that I want to offer. I don't know how to express even half of what's going on in the noggin'.
I feel like if I fully projected who I am on to the world I would be left alone. Those who tell the truth are either dead or as good as. Outcasts, drunks, junkies, corpses, etc.
I need the Sjonnie to my Anita. I need someone I can throw everything at and will do the same for me. I need my compliment. I need a man who will challenge me as I challenge him. I want to love a man in every single way possible and create more ways to love and have that reciprocated. No one has balls. They run away scared.
People always run away scared. No one wants to deal with the real world. No one wants to deal with anything. They want everything spoon fed. Grow up.
I am aggressive. I am intimidating. I want to see what you have. All of you. I want to see what you have to offer.. I'm disappointed in humans. Disconnect yrselves from yr egos every once in a while, you never know what you'll find.
Ego. I try to keep mine small. I hate coming off as arrogant. If I ever do it's probably unintentional. As aggressive and intimidating as I may be at first, once yr in you get to know me. I'm quiet and I do keep to myself. I love the people in my life. Everyone has flaws and tempers rise but through it all, I love every single one of them.
Still. I feel an itch inside of me. I want to explode. I want to scatter every single thought and feeling inside of me all over the place. I can't make sense of half of what I think of or feel.
Instead, I will push everything down. I'll continue keeping to myself. If I feel a strong urge to express myself to someone I will. I've been slipping up. I need to keep this under control. I don't know what else to do.
Refer to the poem "Bluebird" by Charles Bukowski.
I have so much bottled up that I want to offer. I don't know how to express even half of what's going on in the noggin'.
I feel like if I fully projected who I am on to the world I would be left alone. Those who tell the truth are either dead or as good as. Outcasts, drunks, junkies, corpses, etc.
I need the Sjonnie to my Anita. I need someone I can throw everything at and will do the same for me. I need my compliment. I need a man who will challenge me as I challenge him. I want to love a man in every single way possible and create more ways to love and have that reciprocated. No one has balls. They run away scared.
People always run away scared. No one wants to deal with the real world. No one wants to deal with anything. They want everything spoon fed. Grow up.
I am aggressive. I am intimidating. I want to see what you have. All of you. I want to see what you have to offer.. I'm disappointed in humans. Disconnect yrselves from yr egos every once in a while, you never know what you'll find.
Ego. I try to keep mine small. I hate coming off as arrogant. If I ever do it's probably unintentional. As aggressive and intimidating as I may be at first, once yr in you get to know me. I'm quiet and I do keep to myself. I love the people in my life. Everyone has flaws and tempers rise but through it all, I love every single one of them.
Still. I feel an itch inside of me. I want to explode. I want to scatter every single thought and feeling inside of me all over the place. I can't make sense of half of what I think of or feel.
Instead, I will push everything down. I'll continue keeping to myself. If I feel a strong urge to express myself to someone I will. I've been slipping up. I need to keep this under control. I don't know what else to do.
Refer to the poem "Bluebird" by Charles Bukowski.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
We are as one and one is all we are...
A friend of mine was my "shadow" today at school, meaning she followed me to my classes. We went to Christine's fencing practice and I sat in a corner trying not to disturb the practice or anyone there but eventually ended up talking to one of the coaches, Misha. Masha (my "shadow") let him know that I fence and he kept asking why I haven't joined the team and how I should join next year. I explained my situation to him and he went on to tell me that I need to focus more on school and not working or going out. I was able to relate to him. In a room full of people my age I end up feeling most comfortable with the oldest person in the room. It was like talking to one of my parent's friends. I also met this kid who's in legal studies and offered him an internship position at the OAG. Hopefully he will get it, we could use more volunteers because cases keep rolling in.
I started to feel down about not being able to fence. I feel like I've closed that chapter in my life. It's something I did in high school. I'd have loved to continue on in college and actually get a real coach instead of doing bullshit PSAL practices. But it's over. After my father's stroke I fought with my mom to let me fence during my senior year, had the shittiest ending I can ever ask for and hung up my foil. The ride home from the Championships I cried my eyes out because the ending was the worst I can ever ask for. Half the team gave up or never even cared and that reality sunk in. What also sunk in was that I'll never fence competetively again and that kept the tears going. I let it out. Now it's easy to ignore, until I'm around people who encourage me to do it and want me to fence or I'm at a major competition. It's that fencing bug...it's always somewhere under my skin. But I have other responsibilites.
Masha said I never do anything for myself. How I always put other's needs before me. That really pissed me off. My family's needs are my needs. Fencing will last me past college ONLY if I make the national team and fence in the Olympics. This internship, this crazy schedule...Maybe it is the rest of my life. Hopefully I will be earning enough income to compensate for that so I will be able to take 2 weeks off and fly off to some foreign country and disconnect myself from the world.
Recharging. That's all I need. That's my time to myself. I stay in a few nights and do whatever the hell I please. My mom's understood this by now and my dad has always understood. She doesn't bug me to do chores. She finally understands that I am trying. I need to disconnect myself from people, from responsibilities - from the world.
My life is not a portrait of perfection. If I were to focus on all the negativity in it, I would be six feet under or a drug addict/prostitute. I've gone through depression and all that bullshit. I was depressed for the majority of my childhood. I've learned to not ignore the negatives. They do, afterall, humble me and remind me to look on the bright side. Instead of ignoring them, I agknowledge their presence in my life and this world and leave it at that. I don't dwell on it. Not anymore. I do have downer days, sure...but that's when I need to recharge again.
On a completely different note, today I did a Vic with Kamil in my car and I was laying there smoking a ciggarette talking about people and how they project an image of themselves onto people that does not reflect who they really are, and I started thinking about it. One thought led to another and I started realizing how everything is so great and so fun when it's new. It's exciting, it's spontaneous, yr kept on the edge of yr seat, etc. But when it looses its luster, who sticks around? I look at Kamil who used to open doors for me and be all courteous and nice when we first started hanging out to how he is now. We flick boogers at each other and chill for hours in my car without having the need to say something but saying it when we want to. That luster of "oh he's new in my life" is gone but in its place has settled a comfort and a certain degree of love. We grew close fast and I love hanging out with him and I'm really happy that I have him in my life as a friend.
I meet so many people left and right and don't really give them a second thought. Some stick out and I wish I could forget them. Others are fake. I see my own close friends being fake. Let me tell you, ignorance is bliss. There's nothing more hurtful than seeing a someone you've known for years still put on a front and start projecting a false image onto you. Especially after you assure them time and time again that they don't need to do that. Why? If you let your guard down with me completely in the past, why all of the sudden are you throwing out at me this mask? Do you think I'm stupid? People are transparent. I hardly say even a fraction of things I observe in people and the gut feelings I get. If I can see through a stranger, what makes anyone think that I can't see through them when they are being fake when I've known them for years??
I just don't understand all these social games. I don't understand the need for games at all. This is another thing that outcasts me from society. Games and my disgust for them. I'm learning how to play though. If it allows me to escape situations unscathed then so be it.
For some reason I just thought back to a certain day in Ocean City. I had substituted working out for a pack of ciggarettes a day for about a year and half. I had just stopped smoking like 2 or 3 days prior. I ran about 5 miles in 40 minutes without a break and at a constant speed. Walked a mile to warm up and then just started running and didn't stop. I'd like to do that now...
This will all seem like gibberish to me tomorrow morning. Oh well.
I started to feel down about not being able to fence. I feel like I've closed that chapter in my life. It's something I did in high school. I'd have loved to continue on in college and actually get a real coach instead of doing bullshit PSAL practices. But it's over. After my father's stroke I fought with my mom to let me fence during my senior year, had the shittiest ending I can ever ask for and hung up my foil. The ride home from the Championships I cried my eyes out because the ending was the worst I can ever ask for. Half the team gave up or never even cared and that reality sunk in. What also sunk in was that I'll never fence competetively again and that kept the tears going. I let it out. Now it's easy to ignore, until I'm around people who encourage me to do it and want me to fence or I'm at a major competition. It's that fencing bug...it's always somewhere under my skin. But I have other responsibilites.
Masha said I never do anything for myself. How I always put other's needs before me. That really pissed me off. My family's needs are my needs. Fencing will last me past college ONLY if I make the national team and fence in the Olympics. This internship, this crazy schedule...Maybe it is the rest of my life. Hopefully I will be earning enough income to compensate for that so I will be able to take 2 weeks off and fly off to some foreign country and disconnect myself from the world.
Recharging. That's all I need. That's my time to myself. I stay in a few nights and do whatever the hell I please. My mom's understood this by now and my dad has always understood. She doesn't bug me to do chores. She finally understands that I am trying. I need to disconnect myself from people, from responsibilities - from the world.
My life is not a portrait of perfection. If I were to focus on all the negativity in it, I would be six feet under or a drug addict/prostitute. I've gone through depression and all that bullshit. I was depressed for the majority of my childhood. I've learned to not ignore the negatives. They do, afterall, humble me and remind me to look on the bright side. Instead of ignoring them, I agknowledge their presence in my life and this world and leave it at that. I don't dwell on it. Not anymore. I do have downer days, sure...but that's when I need to recharge again.
On a completely different note, today I did a Vic with Kamil in my car and I was laying there smoking a ciggarette talking about people and how they project an image of themselves onto people that does not reflect who they really are, and I started thinking about it. One thought led to another and I started realizing how everything is so great and so fun when it's new. It's exciting, it's spontaneous, yr kept on the edge of yr seat, etc. But when it looses its luster, who sticks around? I look at Kamil who used to open doors for me and be all courteous and nice when we first started hanging out to how he is now. We flick boogers at each other and chill for hours in my car without having the need to say something but saying it when we want to. That luster of "oh he's new in my life" is gone but in its place has settled a comfort and a certain degree of love. We grew close fast and I love hanging out with him and I'm really happy that I have him in my life as a friend.
I meet so many people left and right and don't really give them a second thought. Some stick out and I wish I could forget them. Others are fake. I see my own close friends being fake. Let me tell you, ignorance is bliss. There's nothing more hurtful than seeing a someone you've known for years still put on a front and start projecting a false image onto you. Especially after you assure them time and time again that they don't need to do that. Why? If you let your guard down with me completely in the past, why all of the sudden are you throwing out at me this mask? Do you think I'm stupid? People are transparent. I hardly say even a fraction of things I observe in people and the gut feelings I get. If I can see through a stranger, what makes anyone think that I can't see through them when they are being fake when I've known them for years??
I just don't understand all these social games. I don't understand the need for games at all. This is another thing that outcasts me from society. Games and my disgust for them. I'm learning how to play though. If it allows me to escape situations unscathed then so be it.
For some reason I just thought back to a certain day in Ocean City. I had substituted working out for a pack of ciggarettes a day for about a year and half. I had just stopped smoking like 2 or 3 days prior. I ran about 5 miles in 40 minutes without a break and at a constant speed. Walked a mile to warm up and then just started running and didn't stop. I'd like to do that now...
This will all seem like gibberish to me tomorrow morning. Oh well.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
"Why else keep a journal, if not to examine your own filth?" -Anne Sexton.
"Poetry and painting are done in the same way you make love; it's an exchange of blood, a total embrace—without caution, without any thought of protecting yourself."
—Joan Miro, interview, Cahiers D'Art, 1936
Re-reading my old blogs online helped me see how much I've lived through. I've decided to continue trying to jot down my thoughts as they are now. I remember Adrianna and I would start blogs to keep in touch. We write about our days and read the other's entries. That was the easiest way for me to feel close to her.
Re-reading all that I wrote I saw who I used to be. One day I'll look upon this and think how childish it all seemed. I am terrible at expressing myself. I'm lost somewhere between languages and words. I try not to dwell on this too much.
To each person their problems seem to be the worst. My mom would say this to me all the time. Aspects of my life may seem terrible to some but to me they are my life. Aspects of others' lives may seem difficult for me but to those persons, it is okay.
All I am sure of right now is that I am on the brink of something. I was always extremely cautious and quiet. I never took chances. I kept to myself. Lived in my own mind. Surreality was my reality. What everyone saw day to day I paid little attention to. I'd watch and watch and watch for hours as people go in and out. I still do. I take chances now though. I'm more fearless. I realized that I have nothing to loose. I feel like a referee at a tennis match. Vysoko sizhu, daleko glizhu. I sit and observe. Now I find I'm participating and observing. I move stuff around and watch what happens. I push people's buttons and watch what happens.
I am experimenting. I'm bored. I refuse to believe this is all life has to offer. I want to love and at times I feel filled with it but other times, such as these past two days I feel anger. I want to start trouble. I want to instigate and sit back and watch the world burn. People are so cruel. Society is an engorged dick. It fucks you to death. Good thing I'm an outcast.
And pain? I'm too numb for it. I've been hurt so much that at this point any more pain in my life will leave me unfazed. When people try to hurt me all I can think is "is that all you got?"
This outlook on pain has been crawling over into other aspects of my life. I'm always asking "is this it? Is this the best/worst you can throw at me?"
I think myself to be indestructibile. I am. Whether I am at my best or at my worst, I am indestructible. I long for a connection to people. I have good people in my life. Great people that I can discuss life with for hours. Is it enough? I need someone on my wave length. Someone with courage who throws themselves into situations with the same carelessness and caution as I do. Where is my equal? Where is my opponent? Society as a whole? HA. Society is a joke.
I'm sick of people walking around flaunting their shit when it stinks. I'm so angry. Last week I was all love, all happiness. I hoped I can meet someone who will equate it. I have both an immense amount of love as well as an immense amount of hate.
I am a complete contradiction. I want to help people and hurt them. I love society but at the same time I see it as a speck of dust that I cannot remove from my favorite plastic flower no matter how hard I try.
I'll find happiness. I'll find love. I'll find contentment. I'll die trying.
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